“Love is giving someone the Space to be who they are and who they are not.” – W. Erhart
My story begins as a typical little girl born in the early fifties. I dreamt of growing up, getting married, and having a loving family. You know, the “happily ever after” dream so many of us have. I was born third of four children. My childhood was typical for the times. My mother had the role of raising the four kids and my father was the breadwinner. He was career Air Force and, like any “lifer”, he was gone a lot. We did not have a lot of money, but, like mothers of that era, mine was still able to be home with us most of the time. But, other than that, we were happy even with our moments of dysfunction, as I believe all families have in one degree or another.
In December of 1974, I met my husband, Rod. He was a senior at the U.S. Air Force Academy and on Christmas Break. After a 9-month courtship, we were married at the Academy Chapel on September 6, 1975. Then, we were off to his pilot training base in Columbus, Mississippi. Being the classic military types, we moved every 2 to 3 years for over 20 years. It was a good but hectic life.
After 2 years of marriage, I had my first son while we were stationed in Tucson, Arizona. After we moved to South Korea, I had a few health problems. The American doctors in Seoul said that I would not be able to have another child because of complications due to a surgery. With this news, we decided to adopt a 10-month-old Korean baby girl. Yet, after we returned to the States a year later, I became pregnant with my second son. So much for not being able to get pregnant again. I raised my children pretty much as my parents had raised my siblings and myself. Of course, I changed a few things. But, overall, I instilled the same values in my children that my parents had instilled in me.
In the early years, I loved being a Mom. I loved watching my children learn to walk, go to their first day of school, throw their first ball, and having their wonderful life experiences. I did not mind kissing their booboos and being there for them. To this day when my children come to visit, my heart soars.
Everything was going along pretty well until my adopted daughter turned 13 years old. Now, we knew she was different. We chalked it up to her being Korean and an introvert in a Caucasian family of extroverts. She always seemed to have trouble emotionally connecting and understanding others (children and adults).
She was a talented student in elementary school. However, when she started middle school, her social anxieties increased to the point where she could not attend school. Then, the depression set in. I had never been around anyone with emotional problems. This was all new territory for my husband and I. We took her to the doctors and they told us that they thought she was having these problems because she was adopted. They prescribed medication and regular visits to child counselors. This went on for over 8 years. When she started attending high school, the paralyzing anxieties escalated and then she needed to be hospitalized.
What was I doing during this time? I was doing everything to make everyone happy. I still had two sons to take care of. By this time, my husband was a squadron commander at Nellis Air Force Base in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was being pulled in so many different directions. My daughter needed constant care. No matter what I did to try to make her feel better, nothing worked. I became physically and emotionally exhausted. This was not the “happily ever after” dream I had planned on. The dream turned in to a nightmare.
Where did I go wrong? I gave and gave to my family. I did what my mom had done, but the rules seemed to be changing. Nothing seemed to work. Luckily, my husband and I have a strong bond or we might not have made it through those trying years.
When I first became a mother, I felt I was supposed to give my all to my family. I was counted on to fix all my children’s problems, be all knowing, and, in return, my children were supposed to be happy and full of joy. After experiencing a depressed child, I realized I had a lot to learn when it came to being an effective, loving, and joyful parent.
After trying to control my world and getting crappy results, I started looking at what made me happy. I decided to start working on myself. I took personal growth seminars, read books, and found things that gave me joy. Being open to change myself allowed me to grow into a more conscious being. The more fulfilled I became, the less drama we had in our family. When I started to feel better, my daughter and my family did better. I discovered during this time that the more I had tried to fix my daughter, the more she stayed broken. Therefore, I was a big part of the problem.
Once I started working on myself, on her own she discovered, at the age of 23 years old, that she was born with the condition called Asperger Syndrome. It is a high-functioning form of Autism. The light that we saw at the end of the tunnel was no longer an on-coming train. It was the light that guided us out of years of frustration and heartache. Finally, we understood her limitations and strengths as well as our own. Today, she is happily married and like all of us, she is living life doing the best she can.
In this book, I will share with you these 7 Secrets that I discovered along the path of my own self-discovery. Discovering these secrets and implementing them has shown me how I can have my “happily ever after” dream come true. Because I have learned to manage myself first, I have my 30-plus-year marriage, my children and my grandchildren which all add to my joy. I know for sure that if I had not worked on myself and changed the way I responded to my world, my dream of “happily ever after” would not have become a reality.
copyright 2007 by Vicki Kallman