Hello Readers, Friends, and Family,

Yes, I finally made my book easier to read. Instead of reading it backwards in the “It Begins with You” category. I know I promised this a couple of years ago- I guess I thought it was going to be harder then I thought hmm… That is my story and I am sticking to it.

This was the perfect time for me to read over what I had written because of all of the negative, lacking energy in our world right now. Like most families today, my family has been affected by the economic woes our nation is facing today. One of my children has been out of work for awhile and finding a job has been difficult. When I read over “Support your love ones and Don’t rescue them” chapter. I was reminded that my grown child is whole perfect and complete and only needs support and does not need to be rescued. For any of you out there that is going through something similar to my experience, I hope this book will support you in supporting your family to get back to the JOY which is what is all about.

You have my permission to copy this book and share it with your friends and family. We are all in this world together and this is my gift to you to help you uncover your LOVE and JOY which will help us all get out of this mess faster then anything else. Just acknowledge where you got the book and share where you found it. I feel this book has a powerful message- please help me spread it.

I am available as a speaker and have workshop on this subject. Contact me at vicki@vickikallman.com .

Happy Reading!
In Joy,

Vicki

Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

If things go wrong in the world
Something is wrong with me
Therefore if I am sensible
I shall put myself right first.
C.G. Jung

What did your wise mother say to you when you were tattling on your sibling? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! We heard that time and time again when we were growing up. Now, as adults, it is time to live it and experience the joy from doing so.

Are you ready for Secret No. 1? The only job you have right now is to manage yourself! Or, in other words, mind your own business. In fact, it is the only job you have ever had. That might sound selfish, but it is not. It’s quite the opposite. This goes against everything we thought we were supposed to be as a mother, father, or loved one.

It may be a difficult concept to grasp. We were taught that it was our job to make things better and solve our loved one’s troubles. Our family’s joy depended on us and only us! We are supposed to be the mighty fixers and givers of joy. As you will soon understand, we do not control anyone’s happiness and joy but our own. And, that is a good thing for everyone involved.

When we are happy and joyful, it allows others to find their own joy. Joy is like a cold, the longer you are exposed to it the greater chance you will catch it. Someone once said, “If Mama ain’t happy, then nobody is happy.” The opposite is also true. “If Mama is happy, then everyone can be happy!” To help you understand the importance of “the only job you have is to manage yourself”, let me share with you this airline safety analogy. When we fly, and before we take off, the flight attendant gives us the flight safety briefing. Correct? The attendant instructs the passengers that, “In the event of a sudden change in the cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop at this time. Take the mask and put it on yourself securing it with the elastic strap. Pull on the mask to start the oxygen flow. And, if you are traveling with small children or someone acting like a small child, put the mask on yourself first and then help the child or child-like person with their oxygen mask!”

Imagine this scenario for a moment. If you were not paying attention to the safety briefing and the cabin pressure changes during the flight, the masks will drop. You are trying to put the mask on your child first and you are not getting any oxygen. You become frantic. The child is scared and screaming. You cannot get the mask on your child no matter how hard you try. You are gasping for air and both of you are not getting any oxygen. You both lose consciousness. What a mess! What a drama!

Now, follow “the only job you have is to manage yourself” concept. When the cabin pressure changes, you are now going to do just what the flight attendant instructed you to do. The mask drops and you first take care of yourself by securing your mask. You notice that you are no longer gasping for air. You are now breathing and much calmer. You then grab the child’s oxygen mask and can now effectively support your child with their mask. Wow, success and you both are breathing. Success and no drama! Do you see the picture? This is an example of why the first Simple Secret works. You find your air (joy) first and then you support your love ones to find their air (joy).

You noticed I did not say “easy”. I said “simple”. There is a difference. If you are not doing a great job managing yourself, how can you help others? If you are not living in your own happiness and joy, how can you support anyone else in finding theirs? It is all about leading by example.

When my daughter was suffering so much from depression, nothing I did made much difference. I am sure many of you have experienced this kind of frustration with a member of your family. My health was failing and I was so in the dark. I was just not happy. I was also trying to find happiness for my daughter and my family. Based on results, what I was doing was not working. It took me 8 years of living in that dark energy before I started to look for the light and do something different. I can now laugh at myself. I now see that I must have been slow learner or I had a lot to learn because it took so long to wake up and change my thinking.

Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result”. Yes, I was in my own insanity during those years. If it takes awhile for you to see some changes, be patient with yourself. Stay open as you take these first steps out of the darkness on your journey of self-discovery. You can stay in the dark and continue the insanity or shine bright and light up your world. Remember that you are only managing yourself and you have choices.

When I decide to do make different choices, I really did not know where to start. I read books on thinking differently and attended self-improvement courses. Step by step, I moved into the light and saw that by making different choices I could have new results. My happiness and joy had been covered up by worry, self-doubt and fear caused by being in everyone else’s business. I knew my joy was in me somewhere. I soon became more at peace, and therefore, more accepting.

My husband noticed differences in me. He started taking a few of the same courses that I had taken and also became more accepting. We were happier and much less stressed in our marriage. I then noticed that I was responding to my daughter’s actions in a positive way. The communication between us all became better and we became a stronger support for each other. This is when we all started to heal and become a much more loving family.

I believe we are here to play “The Game of Life”. Like in the board game of Monopoly, sometimes we pass go and get $200 and sometimes we don’t when we draw the “go directly to jail” card. We all must experience the consequences of our actions. We have to wait until WE draw the “get-out-of-jail” card. Nobody can draw that card for us. We are not here to have other people play our life’s game and vice versa. In other words, we are here to “mind our own business”.

Stay tuned for Part II of Simple Secret #1

In Joy,
Vicki

copyright 2007 by Vicki Kallman

Monday, June 25th, 2007

Continued from Part 1

I can only describe myself during those dark, dense, unhappy years. I was doing the “Crazy Chicken Dance” as though I was running around with my head cut off. I went in many directions at the same time. If you have ever seen a chicken right after they have had their heads chopped off, it is not a pretty sight. My grandparents lived on a farm and raised chickens. Once, when I was around 7 years old, I witnessed that sickening sight first hand. After the chicken’s heads were gone, they would run around in circles as fast as they could. Like the chicken with no head, I ran around in the dark full of worry and despair. I was exerting a lot of energy and getting nowhere fast. I can honestly say that my family was following that crazy, unhappy chicken-dance lady through the land of unhappiness.

At times my daughter would come to me with a so-called problem and the next thing you know I would be managing her. I would try to fix her situation and would again start to feel like that crazy, stressed out, headless chicken. I would get stuck in that nasty energy and what happiness I had would fade. Luckily, as time went by, I got better at managing only myself. I did less and less of the “crazy chicken dance” and changed the dance steps into a peaceful, managing-myself “Phoenix Bird Waltz”. As long as I did not get wrapped up in her dramas and let go of being involved, I could be in my happiness.

That beautiful empowering waltz allowed me to be calm. I had changed the steps thus creating more joy in my life. In return, my daughter learned that when I was dancing that peaceful dance, I could no longer get pulled into those old, unproductive, chicken dance steps. Like magic, she seemed to be able to find her own solutions that did not involve my husband or myself. She became more responsible for her own choices and did not seem to have as many problems.

An important point to remember, when you change and begin by managing yourself, your family members may stay around and want to stand in your light, while others may choose to leave. We did experience those times with my daughter from time to time. Let me explain. Sometimes when you are feeling great and nothing can bring you down, the person with a lot of drama may not want to be around you. And other times when you are shining and feeling great, it helps them to feel that way too. Whichever way it happens, it is their choice, not yours. You are allowing them an opportunity to choose the “Peaceful Waltz” or “The Crazy Chicken”.

Managing yourself is a key part to being an effective leader. If you read any books on leadership, one of the things they teach is for you to first be a leader of yourself. If you are a parent or spouse and you are in that leadership role, it is most important to know where you’re going. If you do not know where you want to go, then how can you expect anyone to follow you? Or, if they are following you, where are you leading them?

I know this seems to be a bit overwhelming. Be patient. The next 6 Simple Secrets will support you in managing yourself and letting your family members manage themselves. Remember, you will be learning to manage yourself so you can be happy first and shine bright! You then can lead your family out of their own self-imposed darkness and find their own happiness and light. Doesn’t that sound wonderful and possible!!

At the end of every chapter, you will be given a set of Step-Back questions to help you with the Secret. First, ask yourself the questions and stop and listen to your answer. From there you can see that you have choice to respond or react. It is up to you. All of these questions give you choice to do something different or not.

JOY SECRET 1 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Is this really my business/problem?
2. Whose business/problem is it?
3. Does this business/problem directly affect me?
4. Who am I managing right now?

When you feel the urge to get involved in your loved ones business/problems, please Step Back and ask yourself these questions. They will help you in getting back to managing yourself and finding your joy.

Now is the time to open your journal and do an exercise. Make a list of all the things that you are worrying about right now. When you are done, go back to each worry and ask yourself the four Step-Back questions. Once you have answered all the questions for all the worries, you will then see which things affect you directly and which do not. At this time, work on the ones that affect only you and leave the others to someone else.

Journal how you might feel when you are able to be free of those other worries. Do you feel lighter?

One more thing, please practice using these Step-Back questions for 30 days when needed. Journal the results as they come. Write what is working and what is not. Be kind to yourself. Change does not come fast. It is all a process.

In Joy,

Vicki

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others,
But by accepting them as they are.
True acceptance is always without demands and expectations
Gerald G. Jampolsky
From “Love Is Letting Go of Fear

A few years ago, on a crisp, autumn morning, I set out to take my old dog, Cinnamon, on her daily walk. As we strolled along, I had put my headset on to listen to “the Sedona Method” on tape. About a minute into our walk, I heard the narrator say, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” That statement stopped me in my tracks. First, I got mad. Then, I wanted to argue with the man on the tapes. My mind was spinning. Like something large hitting me up the side of the head bringing me to my senses, I finally started to understand what he was talking about. I continued listening to the tapes. By the end of the walk, I felt an overall sense of freedom and relief because I realized that it was not my job to control my daughter’s happiness, only to control my own. I now knew that I had a choice. Before that moment, I felt that I had none.

I then looked back over the last 8 years and started to laugh and laugh. I just then realized that a lot of the suffering I had experienced with my daughter had come from wanting to control her happiness and her life. Through that entire struggle, we were both no closer to happiness than when I started.

Take a moment and repeat the second Simple Secret to yourself, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” Pay attention to your reaction to this statement. Do not judge it. Just take note of it.

To help everyone grasp this statement, I would like to ask you these questions:
# Have you ever successfully controlled anyone or any situation in your life?
# Have you ever successfully changed a person or situation?
# How about that member in your family who seems to be causing
you to do the “Crazy Chicken Dance” because you are wanting to change him or her?
# Have you been successful in causing them to change?
# If they changed, was it your idea or theirs that caused the change?

Wanting to change someone is the same as wanting to CONTROL him or her. We usually want to control people to be right. However that is not the only reason. I believe the most prevalent reason however is fear. We fear they will get hurt if we do not stop their menacing behavior. We fear that they will fail. We fear that if they fail, our friends and neighbors will judge us as bad parents. We sometimes do it for the approval of others and ourselves. We fear that they will miss out having an experience that we feel they must have. The list goes on and on. What is your reason for wanting to control others?

I have many people in my life who play the part of the Controller. They know what is right for everyone around them but themselves. You know the type – “Control Freaks”. If you are one of those people, please do not stop reading this blog. Stay open the best you can through this secret and see if any of this makes sense to you. Even if you have not been called a “Control Freak”, we all seem to be “wanting to control or change” something or someone at one time or another. Maybe not to the same degree as the real control freaks but, still we play the “wanting to control” game especially with our family members. We think we know what is right for them. So, this Simple Secret applies to all of us.

It is just human nature to want to change and fix things that we feel are broken. And, of course, everyone around us is broken sometimes – right? See how easy it is to get wrapped up in the “wanting to change” dance? That is one reason we have the “Crazy Chicken Dance” in our lives.

In this Simple Secret I have mentioned “wanting”. Let me explain what I mean by this. In this context wanting means lacking. Would you “want “ someone to change or would you rather “have “ him or her change? I don’t know about you, but I would rather “have” the change. When we are in a state of wanting, we are in the emotion of “lust”. My definition of lust is wanting something but feeling that we cannot have it. This is not very productive. It is putting a lot of energy on something and not producing anything but chaos. It is the “wanting” that we get wrapped up in when we attempt to change or control someone or the situation. When we are in “wanting”, it feels like a tornado spinning and it causes destruction in its path.

When we choose to do something other than the “Crazy Chicken”, we are in a constructive energy flow. We can only control how we respond to a situation or person. We then have choice when are we responding and not reacting. When you are reacting, your subconscious is running the show. When you are responding, you are making a conscious effort to choose differently. Let me tell you what a gift it is to yourself to let go of wanting to change the other person and to accept them as they are.

Whenever I find myself wanting to change or control any one of my family members, I say to myself, “Can I let go of wanting to change or control that person”? I answer Yes or No. I do not discuss the answer with myself. I answer just Yes or No. Then, like a stressed-out bubble, the feeling of wanting to control or change that person just pops. I then feel calm and much more at peace. I will have to be honest, sometimes I repeat the phrase 5 or 6 times before that calmer and peaceful feeling shows up.

Many of you may say to yourselves “How do I know if I am “wanting to control” someone”? Wanting to control something feels like being pushy and hard. And, no matter when you are attempting to control someone, you feel like they are pushing back. They are in resistance to your forcing an idea on them.

Can you see how your family and friends can benefit from you not pushing your “rightness” on them by trying to control them? When you are forcing your rightness or control on others, they have to be wrong. Who wants to feel wrong all the time?

You can even ask yourself that same question about yourself “Can I let go of wanting to change me”? Remember, answer Yes or No. When you can truly answer Yes to this question, you can then feel the peace that comes with only managing yourself.

I can hear some of you now, “But they are not doing it right. They are not making the right decisions”. The only thing I can say to you is this, if you continue to be right, nobody will be HAPPY!!!! You are continuing the “Chicken Dance” with the tornado going on inside of you and around your family. You can choose to be right or to be happy!! Again you control nothing except how you respond to any situation or person!

We do not have the right to stop our children and family members from experiencing their life’s lessons. Could your parents or friends really have stopped you from experiencing what you needed to learn? You needed the experiences to mature into the person you are today. Controlling them stops them and stunts their emotional growth. Allow them the chance to be who they are, too.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you have let go of wanting to change that person. You may wonder what will happen to them because you are not controlling them. First, if you are at peace with that person, you will let them be. This gives them the freedom to respond to their world differently. They start to make decisions for themselves. The decisions that they make may or may not have the outcome that they want. However, they need to have their wins and losses to know what will work and what will not. They might fall down a few times, but they will learn how to walk (make decisions) on their own. They will have their own failures and triumphs. And, in the end, they will know how to take care of themselves. It is a miracle!! I have seen this many times with my family. When everybody is minding their own business, they all become much happier!!

Here is another bit of advise given to me by Hale Dwoskin of Sedona Training Associates, which helped me understand and accept this Secret when I went through his “Happiness Is Free Course” in Los Angeles. “People are going to do what they are going to do and they won’t do what they won’t do.” YIKES!! When I understood this, I was able to let go of wanting to change the people around me. Again, it was a miracle. My life became so easy. No matter what kind of wanting to change someone I did, they did not change just because I wanted them to.

As with myself, your changes come from within and not from an outside source. When we are wanting to change or control, we are “forcing” our rightness or good intentions on others. When we are letting go of the wanting to change them, we feel empowered and so do they. An empowered person can stop resisting the change and has power to see better choices to make. Does this make sense to you? Again, you do not have to believe what I say. Try it for yourself and see if you discover your happiness. It may not happen over night. However, you will benefit from starting this right away. It has worked for me every time. What to you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Think about it. In return, your loved ones can experience their happiness if they so choose.

Part 2 of Simple Secret 2 to follow.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman