SIMPLE SECRET #5 “Receiving is as Big as Giving”
Love received and love given comprise the best form of therapy.
–Gordon William Allpor
In those dark years of trying to fix and control everyone and not minding my own business, all I felt I did was give, give, and give. I was physically and emotionally drained. I was unhealthy, over-giving, and under-receiving and it showed in all areas of my life. When I started my journey of self-discovery, I attended many seminars and read several books that insisted that one must give AND receive to have a happy, balanced life. However, I was not open to hear that message. I once took a 10-day personal growth seminar that spent one whole day on just “receiving”. And I still did not get it. Two years later I finally got it.
During the time that I was a member of a networking group, I won a massage. Now, most people love massages. Yet, up to this point I really did not care for them. In fact, I would be stressed out during massages. I would get exhausted from rejecting it. I know it might sound crazy, but that was my experience.
A few weeks after winning the massage, I booked my appointment. My friend, the massage therapist, even came to my home. She had an amazing and loving angelic touch. Half way through the massage, something happened. I stopped rejecting the massage. I finally started to understand what it felt like to “receive”. I could not remember the last time I had allowed myself to feel this way. I started to melt and relax. It was life changing for me. As I lay there really enjoying myself, it came to me. So this is what that seminar’s “receiving” day was all about. WOW! Then I began to laugh and laugh uncontrollably. Since that enlightening day, I have had many types of massages. Now I get a massage whenever I can. I lay there and open myself up to receive the healing which allows me to give myself love. Yes, it is all connected.
All our lives we hear that it is better to give than to receive. Giving is a wonderful thing. However, if the whole world gave and no one received, people would stop giving because the gift would not be received. Thus, the giver would feel the rejection instead of feeling the receiving. Believe me, the giver would stop giving in no time at all.
You may have run across the martyr-type person who grudgingly gives and complains, “I give and I give and I get nothing in return”. I have two questions for the martyr-type person - “Have you been rejecting gifts and love given you?” And, in return, “Have your loved ones finally stopped giving to you?”
This a trap that mothers or women in general get into. Most men don’t get caught in this trap. Receiving seems easy for men. This idea can go as far back as the beginning of civilization. Women have been in the role of giving service and doing without so that the family survives. Along the way we started to feel undeserving to receive anything. On the flip side of this, man provided the food and shelter and in return received or took what he wanted. If you have to blame anyone for this pattern of not receiving for women, blame our over-giving and under-receiving prehistoric female ancestors.
If you did not have a role model growing up who opened themselves up to receive all the good that came their way, then you might not know that receiving is as big as giving! By the way, this can also be a man’s issue. I have met many men who have trouble receiving also.
How do you know if you are an under-receiver or not? Ask yourself these questions.
1. When someone gives you a compliment, do you believe it? Do you reject the compliment by brushing it off or denying it?
2. If someone gives you a gift, do you take it back to the store or find something wrong with it because you feel you do not deserve it?
3. Do you feel drained at the end of the day?
4. Do you feel you have nothing else to give most of the time?
If you have answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, then you need to learn to receive as well as give.
Like our breathing, energy flows in and flows out of our bodies? If all you did was exhale, could you survive? It doesn’t take a world-class medical researcher to tell you the answer would be NO. You see, one must inhale also and fill up those lungs so they can easily and effortlessly exhale, thus feeding every part of one’s body with the critical oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide in order to function healthily.
As with breathing, our energy must flow in and out, too. We must have an energy exchange of giving and receiving to have a healthy, happy and balanced relationship with ourselves and our loved ones. It is imperative that you understand this concept. Understanding and practicing receiving is that one step in having a joy for you and your family you cannot ignore. Without being a good receiver, I will guarantee that your life will stay stuck in a place I do not think you want to be. I know this from personal experience. No one wins when you do not give AND receive. Remember, as with breathing –one cannot exhale(give) with inhaling(receiving) first. If you wish to be happy and have happy loved ones, then you must have that receiving and giving thing in balance. Always remember-Simple Secret #5- Receiving is as big as giving.
Here are a few things you can do to become a better receiver to regain balance and joy in your life.
Step One: First, you must choose to become a better receiver. You have to make a conscious choice. Then, you must practice staying open to receive. With amazing results, my mantra for the past 5 years has been “I am open to receive all the good God has for me.” You can even do this with a prayer everyday if you wish. Remember, you always have choice.
Step Two: Practice accepting gifts and compliments by saying “thank you” and taking a moment to open up your heart and receive them. Stop yourself when you become aware that you are rejecting gifts or compliments. Just doing this simple gesture can change your life forever. Do your best and do all of this without judgment. This may take you awhile before you are in the habit of receiving, as rejecting has become a habit for many of us. I have been working on this for years. The experts say that it takes 90 days of doing something different to break that negative habit and replace it with another positive response.
Step Three: Start to notice how the people around you are responding to your receiving. Are they getting joy from giving to you? Are they willing to do more for you? You may be teaching them to receive also. Here everyone wins.
Step Four: Let people do little things for you like make dinner, help clean up the house, or bring you dinner if you have to work late. Always thank them for the gestures. This helps you to receive and it gives them a chance to give. Then feel the love exchange when that happens.
Step Five: You can always do what worked for me. Go have a relaxing, receiving massage just for you. Again, leave all the undeserving guilt at the door. Stay open and enjoy receiving it.
Learning to receive is a wonderful aid in accomplishing Simple Secret #4 - Love Yourself And The Rest Will Follow. Practicing receiving on a regular basis will assist you in filling up your love cup. A person who is filled up shines so bright and those around then enjoy their light too. Just think that if you are managing yourself and receiving all the good there is for you, what are you teaching your loved ones? You are teaching them to breathe “in-receive” and “out- give” and to be healthy and happy. What a powerful lesson for you and them. What an amazing role model you can become.
Now, ask yourself these STEP-BACK questions. This will get you back on the track of receiving as well as giving once you find yourself off track. Let these questions help you to create balance in that area of your life.
Joy Secret #5 Step-Back Questions:
1. When was the last time I let someone help me with anything?
2. Have I opened up my heart to receive today?
3. When was the last time I really received a compliment or praise?
4. Has over-giving and under-receiving given me joy today?
Acknowledge your gains with this Simple Secret #5 by writing in a journal, if that suits you.
Coming soon– the last and 7th Simple Secret to your Family’s Joy. I hope you have enjoyed the journey so far.
copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman