Simple Secret #4 “Love Yourself First, and the Rest Will Follow!” Part 1
When one is stranger to oneself
Then one is estranged from others.
If one is out of touch with oneself
Then one cannot touch others
Anne Morrow Lindberg
As I incorporated the last three Simple Secrets into my life, surprisingly I discovered that I was becoming more loving and accepting of myself. I was no longer unhappy with my life and family. I was managing myself, I was responding differently to my environment, and I was not wasting energy trying to “fix” everyone around me. Finally, I had the time and energy to love and accept myself. I was no longer looking outside myself for my joy. I was responsible for it.
With these realizations, I became free to be me and, in return, I accepted that my family members were also free to be whoever they wanted to be. I soon believed that I was Okay. In fact, I was better than Okay. I began to like me. I laughed more and started to really enjoy my life again. I became very grateful for everything I had. It also became easier for me to forgive my family members and myself. Everyone benefited. There was energy to try new things. It was such an empowering feeling. All of this opened up a whole new world for me.
As you can see it is really important that you love yourself first. The first three Simple Secrets can support you in achieving that loving feeling.
In the dark years when I was managing everyone but myself, and wanting to control my family members by rescuing them, I was so outwardly focused. I had checked out of my life and lost sight of myself. I had emotionally closed down. I was unaware that my love cup was empty because there was no one home to fill it. I finally came to the realization that I could not give what I did not have.
When I first started managing myself by staying out of everyone else’s business, I became aware that my love cup was quite empty. No wonder I felt drained and shut down. As I walked down that road of self–discovery, I began to understand that we all are born with an inherent ability to fill ourselves up with love. However, somewhere in my early years I stopped. I began expecting others to do it for me. Then, with this awareness, I began to search out things that gave me self-confidence and helped me to grow.
It did not happen over night. I had to first learn about myself. I learned how to meditate and be still and feel my feelings. I joined organizations like Toastmasters International which had positive people and missions, I took classes that I had always wanted to attend, and I volunteered with the Red Cross, just to name a few. I also began to say “No” to things I did not want to do. Not an easy task for many of us “supporter-type” personalities. Everything I did gave me more energy, which took me a step closer to filling up my love cup. I began to see my world through a different set of glasses. At last, I was finally on track to being myself and loving me again.
Many of my clients and students have asked me why we have a hard time loving ourselves? Through my experience with others and myself, I have come to this conclusion. We get caught up in the illusion that we are “not enough”. This illusion drives us to want to control others, fix others and manage anyone but ourselves. Where did we get this illusion or program about ourselves? For most of us, it starts with our family members, then classmates and other peers telling us we are “not enough” with their critical actions and words. By the time we are about 10 years old, we have been told a million times by the world that we are “not enough”. At that time, it has become so hardwired into our thought process that we are not whole. Something is missing in us.
We believe that we are not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, happy enough, thin enough, fat enough, tall enough, and do not do this or that right. Some of you have been abused by your so-called loved ones and you have physically felt you are “not enough”. As you can see, there is a variety of ways to feel as though you are “not enough”. Luckily, you can change those thoughts and love yourself by using these Simple Secrets.
Loving yourself can support you in believing that you are “always enough” which is the truth. We all are whole, perfect, and complete. Everything else is a lie created mostly out of fear of not being enough. If you remember only one thing from this Simple Secret it is that “You Are Always Enough!”
Here is a good reason to let that “not enough” illusion go. Have you ever heard of the ripple effect? When a pebble is dropped in the middle of a pond, the water ripples out to the shore all around the lake. This one action affects the entire pond. That ripple effect also happens in a family. One person’s actions and mood affects the whole family.
Stop for a moment and think of a time when a family member came home in a bad mood. Maybe they have had a bad day at work. They could be feeling upset because their boss had criticized their work performance. The boss dropped the first pebble with his critical words. The family member reacted by feeling “not enough”. Maybe their ego was bruised. They carry that upset, bruised feeling all day sharing it with their co-workers causing everyone to feel uneasy. Then the family member arrives home. The ripple continues. They come in and slam the door and throw their keys across the kitchen table. They’ve brought that toxic energy home with them. Now, that member has dropped a negative pebble in his family’s pond. As that person encounters the other family members, this upsetting “not enough” ripple is quickly dispersed throughout the family. Every family member is negatively affected, even the ones who might have been feeling great and enough before that individual got home. Now, the rest of the family is feeling crappy and “not enough” too. By suppertime, everyone is grumpy and the conversation at dinner is not positive at all. I am sure everyone can relate to this type of scenario at one time or another. Not a whole lot of love and happiness energy there.
Let’s look at this in a loving way. When I became more loving of myself, I dropped a positive pebble in my family’s pond. I soon started to witness for myself a lot more loving towards all the family members. My positive feelings were positively affecting everyone around me. We all seemed to laugh more and enjoy each other’s company. In conclusion, if I wanted everyone else to be loving, I had to be that way first with myself and then with others. My cup runneth over! Now I can give what I have. An endless supply of LOVE.
When we feel “enough”, we can easily step back to allow our loved ones to feel “enough” and loved. It is just as easy to tell our loved ones what they are doing right (enough) as it is to tell them what they are doing wrong (not enough). What would you like your loved ones to share with you? We can learn a lot from Thumper in the movie, Bambi. When he was scolded by his mother for making fun of Bambi, his mother said to him “What did your father always say?” He hung his head low and muttered, “If you can not say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Thumper must have had a wise and loving father.
There may be times when you must say something to your loved ones to point out that what they are doing is directly affecting you and others in your family. I have learned a wonderful method of addressing those issues with my loved ones. I learned this trick in Toastmasters. We have evaluators that lovingly give immediate feed back to our speakers so that they can know what worked in their speech and what needs to be improved on to be a better communicator. The method we use is called the “Oreo Method” of evaluation of the speaker.
The evaluator starts off giving what he/she liked about the speech or speaker, then states what he/she feels they could improve on, and then ends the evaluation with what worked again, which leaves them on a positive note. We do this in 2 to 3 minutes. It is short and sweet. This way the speaker can stay open to receive the message. It works beautifully. The speaker then stays open which allows him/her to get closer to their goal of becoming a better communicator. When one is approached from a place of love – it is received with love.
Part 2 of Simple Secret #4 to follow.
Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman