Simple Secret 2: “You Control Nothing But How You Respond to a Situation” - Part 2
Continued from Part 1
I am sure that you have heard – “what you resist persists”. From my personal experiences, that statement is completely true. Think for a moment about that one person who is always “wanting to control” you with their advice. It could be your mother, sister, or husband. When this happens, how do you feel? Do you feel forced or wrong? Or do you say to yourself “Forget that! I will not do it your way and you have not changed my mind?” In fact, you might say to yourself “I was about to do it your way and now I won’t. I will keep doing it my way!!” Then the problem persists.
When we are not in the controlling mode, we step back so that the child or individual can step forward. You are allowing them a chance to respond differently and giving them courage to make better choices. Letting go of the control gave you what you wanted and you had to do nothing but step back and give control to that person. The growth will then come for both of you.
We need to allow others to be who they are and thus, we allow ourselves to be who we are. We all get a wonderful gift. We can then retire the “crazy chicken dance outfit” and wear the calm and powerful robe of acceptance.
Let me give you a couple of examples as to how this can work. When my oldest son was about 15 years old, the family was going to take a trip to the mountains for the day. It was a family trip, so my husband and I wanted him to come. He insisted that he wanted to stay home. Instead of arguing with him and telling him that he had to go, we said, “OK, but you cannot go anywhere or have any friends over”. He agreed. We then loaded the van with a picnic lunch and all piled in except for him. When we started to pull out of the garage, he ran out of the house and announced that he wanted to go. So, the whole family went and had a wonderful time. It was really that easy.
Then, my youngest son, who is quite intelligent and an overall good kid, use to drive my crazy with his procrastination. While in school, he always procrastinated starting any kind of term paper or project until the last moment. No matter how many times I recommend he start earlier on a project, he still did it last minute and was up all night to have the project done for the next day. Being the good mom, I would help him with the project to make sure he got it done on time. I was stressed and lost sleep too. Then, I decided that if he wanted to wait to do the project at the last minute, it was not my problem. I decided to hold him responsible for his own outcome. So, when he was a junior in high school and a big project was due, I let him handle it all by himself. He was a bit shocked that I did not get involved or stress over it. He was up all night and I slept.
The next day I made him attend all of his classes. He chose to procrastinate and I felt great because I had had some sleep. When he got home from school that day he did share with me that maybe he should start his projects earlier. Even though he had good intentions to that, he did not change this pattern throughout high school or college. He still got good grades and an excellent education. He continued to procrastinate, but I stepped back. I learned that crazy last-minute stuff worked for him and it was never going to look the way I wanted it to. I could not change him and I became OK with it. My life had less stress because of my choice. It really was not my business. I was managing myself and it felt good. Until this behavior stops working for him, he will probably continue doing it. That is his life lesson. My lesson was to let go of wanting to control his behavior and manage myself.
I have given my clients this advice over and over again. When they heed it, the results are amazing. I get that excited call saying you won’t believe it but it works. They share their success stories with me. We have a good laugh. Responding instead of reacting takes less energy with better results. Let go of the control and put joy and happiness back into your life. Everyone benefits. Remember, your response can start an amazingly peaceful ripple in your family’s pond. Isn’t that what you really want anyway?
When you feel the urge to control someone or something other than yourself, please STEP BACK and ask yourself these simple questions. They will help you to choose to respond differently to your loved ones.
JOY SECRET 2 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:
1. Would I rather be right than happy?
2. What has being right done me so far?
3. Can I let go of wanting to change or control this person or situation?
4. Would I rather want change or have it?
Again, as I suggest at the end of these chapters that you try this for 30 days and journal what worked and what did not work for you. Whatever you do, do not tell your family. They must want to read this blog for themselves. You are then not managing yourself and you are wanting to change them. Resistance will be all you get!!
Put these ideas into practice. They will see the difference in you might ask you what you are doing differently. Then share the information and website. Leave it up to them to surf the web for my website and blog, empower them. This way everyone stays happy. As you can see it is so simple just not easy! Be patient!
Copyright Vicki Kallman 2007