Simple Secret 2: “You Control Nothing But How You Respond to a Situation” - Part 1
Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others,
But by accepting them as they are.
True acceptance is always without demands and expectations
Gerald G. Jampolsky
From “Love Is Letting Go of Fear
A few years ago, on a crisp, autumn morning, I set out to take my old dog, Cinnamon, on her daily walk. As we strolled along, I had put my headset on to listen to “the Sedona Method” on tape. About a minute into our walk, I heard the narrator say, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” That statement stopped me in my tracks. First, I got mad. Then, I wanted to argue with the man on the tapes. My mind was spinning. Like something large hitting me up the side of the head bringing me to my senses, I finally started to understand what he was talking about. I continued listening to the tapes. By the end of the walk, I felt an overall sense of freedom and relief because I realized that it was not my job to control my daughter’s happiness, only to control my own. I now knew that I had a choice. Before that moment, I felt that I had none.
I then looked back over the last 8 years and started to laugh and laugh. I just then realized that a lot of the suffering I had experienced with my daughter had come from wanting to control her happiness and her life. Through that entire struggle, we were both no closer to happiness than when I started.
Take a moment and repeat the second Simple Secret to yourself, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” Pay attention to your reaction to this statement. Do not judge it. Just take note of it.
To help everyone grasp this statement, I would like to ask you these questions:
you to do the “Crazy Chicken Dance” because you are wanting to change him or her?
Wanting to change someone is the same as wanting to CONTROL him or her. We usually want to control people to be right. However that is not the only reason. I believe the most prevalent reason however is fear. We fear they will get hurt if we do not stop their menacing behavior. We fear that they will fail. We fear that if they fail, our friends and neighbors will judge us as bad parents. We sometimes do it for the approval of others and ourselves. We fear that they will miss out having an experience that we feel they must have. The list goes on and on. What is your reason for wanting to control others?
I have many people in my life who play the part of the Controller. They know what is right for everyone around them but themselves. You know the type - “Control Freaks”. If you are one of those people, please do not stop reading this blog. Stay open the best you can through this secret and see if any of this makes sense to you. Even if you have not been called a “Control Freak”, we all seem to be “wanting to control or change” something or someone at one time or another. Maybe not to the same degree as the real control freaks but, still we play the “wanting to control” game especially with our family members. We think we know what is right for them. So, this Simple Secret applies to all of us.
It is just human nature to want to change and fix things that we feel are broken. And, of course, everyone around us is broken sometimes – right? See how easy it is to get wrapped up in the “wanting to change” dance? That is one reason we have the “Crazy Chicken Dance” in our lives.
In this Simple Secret I have mentioned “wanting”. Let me explain what I mean by this. Would you “want “ someone to change or would you rather “have “ him or her change? I don’t know about you, but I would rather “have” the change. When we are in a state of wanting, we are in the emotion of “lust”. My definition of lust is wanting something but feeling that we cannot have it. This is not very productive. It is putting a lot of energy on something and not producing anything but chaos. It is the “wanting” that we get wrapped up in when we attempt to change or control someone or the situation. When we are in “wanting”, it feels like a tornado spinning and it causes destruction in its path.
When we choose to do something other than the “Crazy Chicken”, we are in a constructive energy flow. We can only control how we respond to a situation or person. We then have choice when are we responding and not reacting. When you are reacting, your subconscious is running the show. When you are responding, you are making a conscious effort to choose differently. Let me tell you what a gift it is to yourself to let go of wanting to change the other person and to accept them as they are.
Whenever I find myself wanting to change or control any one of my family members, I say to myself, “Can I let go of wanting to change or control that person”? I answer Yes or No. I do not discuss the answer with myself. I answer just Yes or No. Then, like a stressed-out bubble, the feeling of wanting to control or change that person just pops. I then feel calm and much more at peace. I will have to be honest, sometimes I repeat the phrase 5 or 6 times before that calmer and peaceful feeling shows up.
Many of you may say to yourselves “How do I know if I am “wanting to control” someone”? Wanting to control something feels like being pushy and hard. And, no matter when you are attempting to control someone, you feel like they are pushing back. They are in resistance to your forcing an idea on them.
Can you see how your family and friends can benefit from you not pushing your “rightness” on them by trying to control them? When you are forcing your rightness or control on others, they have to be wrong. Who wants to feel wrong all the time?
You can even ask yourself that same question about yourself “Can I let go of wanting to change me”? Remember, answer Yes or No. When you can truly answer Yes to this question, you can then feel the peace that comes with only managing yourself.
I can hear some of you now, “But they are not doing it right. They are not making the right decisions”. The only thing I can say to you is this, if you continue to be right, nobody will be HAPPY!!!! You are continuing the “Chicken Dance” with the tornado going on inside of you and around your family. You can choose to be right or to be happy!! Again you control nothing except how you respond to any situation or person!
We do not have the right to stop our children and family members from experiencing their life’s lessons. Could your parents or friends really have stopped you from experiencing what you needed to learn? You needed the experiences to mature into the person you are today. Controlling them stops them and stunts their emotional growth. Allow them the chance to be who they are, too.
Let’s pretend for a moment that you have let go of wanting to change that person. You may wonder what will happen to them because you are not controlling them. First, if you are at peace with that person, you will let them be. This gives them the freedom to respond to their world differently. They start to make decisions for themselves. The decisions that they make may or may not have the outcome that they want. However, they need to have their wins and losses to know what will work and what will not. They might fall down a few times, but they will learn how to walk (make decisions) on their own. They will have their own failures and triumphs. And, in the end, they will know how to take care of themselves. It is a miracle!! I have seen this many times with my family. When everybody is minding their own business, they all become much happier!!
Here is another bit of advise given to me by Hale Dwoskin of Sedona Training Associates, which helped me understand and accept this Secret when I went through his “Happiness Is Free Course” in Los Angeles. “People are going to do what they are going to do and they won’t do what they won’t do.” YIKES!! When I understood this, I was able to let go of wanting to change the people around me. Again, it was a miracle. My life became so easy. No matter what kind of wanting to change someone I did, they did not change just because I wanted them to.
As with myself, your changes come from within and not from an outside source. When we are wanting to change or control, we are “forcing” our rightness or good intentions on others. When we are letting go of the wanting to change them, we feel empowered and so do they. An empowered person can stop resisting the change and has power to see better choices to make. Does this make sense to you? Again, you do not have to believe what I say. Try it for yourself and see if you discover your happiness. It may not happen over night. However, you will benefit from starting this right away. It has worked for me every time. What to you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Think about it. In return, your loved ones can experience their happiness if they so choose.
Part 2 of Simple Secret 2 to follow.
copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman