Simple Secret #3 “Support Your Love Ones, Do Not Rescue Them!”
To love means not to impose your own powers on your fellow man but offer him your help. And if he refuses it, be proud that he can do it on his own strength.
–Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
I once ask my minister friend, Wes McPherson, what the difference was between supporting and rescuing someone? He answered, “If you see them broken and help out, you are rescuing them. If you see them whole, perfect, complete, capable and help them, you are supporting them.” It was at that moment when I realized that while I wanted to change my daughter’s unhappiness, I was seeing her broken and she was unable to find her own happiness. Although, rescuing was keeping me in a job that I did not want anymore. From that moment on I worked on seeing my daughter and others whole, perfect, complete and capable. Then, it was easy to support them if they wanted support. This takes us to Simple Secret 3 – Support Your Loved Ones, Do Not Rescue Them.
As you can see this is a simple secret. To many of us it can be a hard one to understand and practice. When I have been in the “fixer” rescue mode with a loved one or friend, I am coming from fear and the result is that no one wins. It has been my experience with my daughter and others that when I support them, I am acting from a place of love and acceptance. The result then is joy for them and for myself.
If you go back and review Simple Secret 1 - The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself and Simple Secret 2 - You Control Nothing But How You Respond to a Situation, you can see why rescuing does not work. In rescuing you are not minding your own business and you are trying to control someone else’s life. Your fixing makes you right and them wrong. That is a recipe for disaster. This comes from someone who has tried to “fix” my loved ones at one time or another. I never succeeded at making anyone happy or fixing the problems. In fact, I believe my fixing created bigger problems in the end. I then had to see that I was a big part of the problem.
I can now look back and see what kind of relationship my daughter and I had during those dark years. She had the problems and I was the fixer. The result was that she stayed broken so that I could fix her. This was dysfunctional and unproductive. I was making my daughter a victim while thinking I was helping her to be happy. Instead, I created a depressed unhappy child, the complete opposite of my intentions.
When I call someone like my daughter a “victim”, I mean someone who believes that their happiness is controlled by outside forces. They continually look outside of themselves for answers and do not take personal responsibility for their problems or their joy. When we feel that it is our job to control them with our rescue efforts, we feed their victim responses to their world. The fixer and the victim both become victims to this dysfunctional process.
As I said in Secret 1 – during those early years while I was trying to fix my daughter’s problems, I danced the “Crazy Chicken Dance “. The results were that I was exhausted and started having health issues. My daughter stayed “broken” and became depressed. Oh yeah, that was working!
After my talk with my friend, Wes, I asked myself, “Do I want my family to be made up of victims or responsible people?” Since victims have to be cared for and are very draining and responsible people manage themselves and are empowered, I felt it was time for me to stop being the fixer. I wanted to be fired from that “fixer” position. When I finally learned the calm “ Phoenix Bird Waltz”, I opted to support my daughter instead of rescuing her.
Sometimes a loved one does not even ask for us to fix a problem. We just volunteer our advice – like the great fixers we believe we are. No one appreciates someone butting into their business if they have not been invited. It only causes resistance and heartache. If you recognize that you do that with your loved ones, then go back to Secret 1- The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself. Stay out of their business and concentrate on your own.
When we support our loved ones, we feel empowered and not drained. Your love one feels empowered and not wrong. When one becomes empowered, then one can envision a positive future and release the negative of the past.
I found that it was not easy to let go of the rescuing mentality. However, with awareness and a little work, it was possible to shift that rescuing mentality to a supportive one.
Here is the process I used to let go of my rescuing mentality with my daughter and others.
Step 1 - I listened to their story about their problem.
Step 2 - I asked myself “Whose problem is it? Am I directly affected by this problem?”
Step 3 - If I feel it is their problem, I respond with this question – “What do you plan to do about that situation?”
Then, I shut up and listen.
Step 4 – After listening, I ask one more question. “Is there anything I can do to help?” And again, I shut up and listen.
When I ask them, “Is there anything I can do to help?” their usual response to that inquiry is “NO, but thanks for asking”. You see I showed I cared by listening. Most people know how to solve their own problems. They sometimes just want a sounding board.
It can be really hard to just shut up and listen when you may have been the self-proclaimed “fixer of all that you feel is broken”. You do have a choice to respond differently. It really is up to you. This process works like a charm. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the person with the problem usually just wants to vent and wants someone to listen to them. They do not want you to solve the problem.
When we step back from trying to fix people and stay out of their business, they usually step up and take care of themselves. This action creates a more confident and responsible individual. It is a win/win situation for all concerned.
When you feel the need to “fix” or rescue a love one, please STEP BACK and ask yourself these simple questions. They will help you to let go of that rescuing mentality and embrace the concept of supporting your love ones instead.
JOY SECRET #3 STEP BACK QUESTIONS:
1. Are you seeing your loved one broken or are they whole, perfect, and complete?
2. Do you want your loved one to be a victim or a responsible person?
3. Has your loved one asked you for help or are you volunteering your wisdom?
4. Have you been a good listener?
Again, as I have suggested at the end of each Simple Secret, try this for 30 days and journal the results. Please refer back to the other secrets to also help you with releasing the “fixer” mentality. Be kind and patient with yourself. If you have been doing this victim dance with your family member for years, it may be hard to stop. Be aware of your thoughts and actions. That will aid you in learning to support.
Copyright Vicki Kallman 2007