When one is stranger to oneself
Then one is estranged from others.
If one is out of touch with oneself
Then one cannot touch others
Anne Morrow Lindberg

As I incorporated the last three Simple Secrets into my life, surprisingly I discovered that I was becoming more loving and accepting of myself. I was no longer unhappy with my life and family. I was managing myself, I was responding differently to my environment, and I was not wasting energy trying to “fix” everyone around me. Finally, I had the time and energy to love and accept myself. I was no longer looking outside myself for my joy. I was responsible for it.

With these realizations, I became free to be me and, in return, I accepted that my family members were also free to be whoever they wanted to be. I soon believed that I was Okay. In fact, I was better than Okay. I began to like me. I laughed more and started to really enjoy my life again. I became very grateful for everything I had. It also became easier for me to forgive my family members and myself. Everyone benefited. There was energy to try new things. It was such an empowering feeling. All of this opened up a whole new world for me.

As you can see it is really important that you love yourself first. The first three Simple Secrets can support you in achieving that loving feeling.
In the dark years when I was managing everyone but myself, and wanting to control my family members by rescuing them, I was so outwardly focused. I had checked out of my life and lost sight of myself. I had emotionally closed down. I was unaware that my love cup was empty because there was no one home to fill it. I finally came to the realization that I could not give what I did not have.

When I first started managing myself by staying out of everyone else’s business, I became aware that my love cup was quite empty. No wonder I felt drained and shut down. As I walked down that road of self–discovery, I began to understand that we all are born with an inherent ability to fill ourselves up with love. However, somewhere in my early years I stopped. I began expecting others to do it for me. Then, with this awareness, I began to search out things that gave me self-confidence and helped me to grow.

It did not happen over night. I had to first learn about myself. I learned how to meditate and be still and feel my feelings. I joined organizations like Toastmasters International which had positive people and missions, I took classes that I had always wanted to attend, and I volunteered with the Red Cross, just to name a few. I also began to say “No” to things I did not want to do. Not an easy task for many of us “supporter-type” personalities. Everything I did gave me more energy, which took me a step closer to filling up my love cup. I began to see my world through a different set of glasses. At last, I was finally on track to being myself and loving me again.

Many of my clients and students have asked me why we have a hard time loving ourselves? Through my experience with others and myself, I have come to this conclusion. We get caught up in the illusion that we are “not enough”. This illusion drives us to want to control others, fix others and manage anyone but ourselves. Where did we get this illusion or program about ourselves? For most of us, it starts with our family members, then classmates and other peers telling us we are “not enough” with their critical actions and words. By the time we are about 10 years old, we have been told a million times by the world that we are “not enough”. At that time, it has become so hardwired into our thought process that we are not whole. Something is missing in us.

We believe that we are not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, happy enough, thin enough, fat enough, tall enough, and do not do this or that right. Some of you have been abused by your so-called loved ones and you have physically felt you are “not enough”. As you can see, there is a variety of ways to feel as though you are “not enough”. Luckily, you can change those thoughts and love yourself by using these Simple Secrets.

Loving yourself can support you in believing that you are “always enough” which is the truth. We all are whole, perfect, and complete. Everything else is a lie created mostly out of fear of not being enough. If you remember only one thing from this Simple Secret it is that “You Are Always Enough!”

Here is a good reason to let that “not enough” illusion go. Have you ever heard of the ripple effect? When a pebble is dropped in the middle of a pond, the water ripples out to the shore all around the lake. This one action affects the entire pond. That ripple effect also happens in a family. One person’s actions and mood affects the whole family.

Stop for a moment and think of a time when a family member came home in a bad mood. Maybe they have had a bad day at work. They could be feeling upset because their boss had criticized their work performance. The boss dropped the first pebble with his critical words. The family member reacted by feeling “not enough”. Maybe their ego was bruised. They carry that upset, bruised feeling all day sharing it with their co-workers causing everyone to feel uneasy. Then the family member arrives home. The ripple continues. They come in and slam the door and throw their keys across the kitchen table. They’ve brought that toxic energy home with them. Now, that member has dropped a negative pebble in his family’s pond. As that person encounters the other family members, this upsetting “not enough” ripple is quickly dispersed throughout the family. Every family member is negatively affected, even the ones who might have been feeling great and enough before that individual got home. Now, the rest of the family is feeling crappy and “not enough” too. By suppertime, everyone is grumpy and the conversation at dinner is not positive at all. I am sure everyone can relate to this type of scenario at one time or another. Not a whole lot of love and happiness energy there.

Let’s look at this in a loving way. When I became more loving of myself, I dropped a positive pebble in my family’s pond. I soon started to witness for myself a lot more loving towards all the family members. My positive feelings were positively affecting everyone around me. We all seemed to laugh more and enjoy each other’s company. In conclusion, if I wanted everyone else to be loving, I had to be that way first with myself and then with others. My cup runneth over! Now I can give what I have. An endless supply of LOVE.

When we feel “enough”, we can easily step back to allow our loved ones to feel “enough” and loved. It is just as easy to tell our loved ones what they are doing right (enough) as it is to tell them what they are doing wrong (not enough). What would you like your loved ones to share with you? We can learn a lot from Thumper in the movie, Bambi. When he was scolded by his mother for making fun of Bambi, his mother said to him “What did your father always say?” He hung his head low and muttered, “If you can not say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Thumper must have had a wise and loving father.

There may be times when you must say something to your loved ones to point out that what they are doing is directly affecting you and others in your family. I have learned a wonderful method of addressing those issues with my loved ones. I learned this trick in Toastmasters. We have evaluators that lovingly give immediate feed back to our speakers so that they can know what worked in their speech and what needs to be improved on to be a better communicator. The method we use is called the “Oreo Method” of evaluation of the speaker.

The evaluator starts off giving what he/she liked about the speech or speaker, then states what he/she feels they could improve on, and then ends the evaluation with what worked again, which leaves them on a positive note. We do this in 2 to 3 minutes. It is short and sweet. This way the speaker can stay open to receive the message. It works beautifully. The speaker then stays open which allows him/her to get closer to their goal of becoming a better communicator. When one is approached from a place of love – it is received with love.

Part 2 of Simple Secret #4 to follow.

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

To love means not to impose your own powers on your fellow man but offer him your help. And if he refuses it, be proud that he can do it on his own strength.
–Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I once ask my minister friend, Wes McPherson, what the difference was between supporting and rescuing someone? He answered, “If you see them broken and help out, you are rescuing them. If you see them whole, perfect, complete, capable and help them, you are supporting them.” It was at that moment when I realized that while I wanted to change my daughter’s unhappiness, I was seeing her broken and she was unable to find her own happiness. Although, rescuing was keeping me in a job that I did not want anymore. From that moment on I worked on seeing my daughter and others whole, perfect, complete and capable. Then, it was easy to support them if they wanted support. This takes us to Simple Secret 3 – Support Your Loved Ones, Do Not Rescue Them.

As you can see this is a simple secret. To many of us it can be a hard one to understand and practice. When I have been in the “fixer” rescue mode with a loved one or friend, I am coming from fear and the result is that no one wins. It has been my experience with my daughter and others that when I support them, I am acting from a place of love and acceptance. The result then is joy for them and for myself.

If you go back and review Simple Secret 1 – The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself and Simple Secret 2 – You Control Nothing But How You Respond to a Situation, you can see why rescuing does not work. In rescuing you are not minding your own business and you are trying to control someone else’s life. Your fixing makes you right and them wrong. That is a recipe for disaster. This comes from someone who has tried to “fix” my loved ones at one time or another. I never succeeded at making anyone happy or fixing the problems. In fact, I believe my fixing created bigger problems in the end. I then had to see that I was a big part of the problem.

I can now look back and see what kind of relationship my daughter and I had during those dark years. She had the problems and I was the fixer. The result was that she stayed broken so that I could fix her. This was dysfunctional and unproductive. I was making my daughter a victim while thinking I was helping her to be happy. Instead, I created a depressed unhappy child, the complete opposite of my intentions.

When I call someone like my daughter a “victim”, I mean someone who believes that their happiness is controlled by outside forces. They continually look outside of themselves for answers and do not take personal responsibility for their problems or their joy. When we feel that it is our job to control them with our rescue efforts, we feed their victim responses to their world. The fixer and the victim both become victims to this dysfunctional process.

As I said in Secret 1 – during those early years while I was trying to fix my daughter’s problems, I danced the “Crazy Chicken Dance “. The results were that I was exhausted and started having health issues. My daughter stayed “broken” and became depressed. Oh yeah, that was working!

After my talk with my friend, Wes, I asked myself, “Do I want my family to be made up of victims or responsible people?” Since victims have to be cared for and are very draining and responsible people manage themselves and are empowered, I felt it was time for me to stop being the fixer. I wanted to be fired from that “fixer” position. When I finally learned the calm “ Phoenix Bird Waltz”, I opted to support my daughter instead of rescuing her.

Sometimes a loved one does not even ask for us to fix a problem. We just volunteer our advice – like the great fixers we believe we are. No one appreciates someone butting into their business if they have not been invited. It only causes resistance and heartache. If you recognize that you do that with your loved ones, then go back to Secret 1- The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself. Stay out of their business and concentrate on your own.

When we support our loved ones, we feel empowered and not drained. Your love one feels empowered and not wrong. When one becomes empowered, then one can envision a positive future and release the negative of the past.
I found that it was not easy to let go of the rescuing mentality. However, with awareness and a little work, it was possible to shift that rescuing mentality to a supportive one.

Here is the process I used to let go of my rescuing mentality with my daughter and others.

Step 1 – I listened to their story about their problem.
Step 2 – I asked myself “Whose problem is it? Am I directly affected by this problem?”
Step 3 – If I feel it is their problem, I respond with this question – “What do you plan to do about that situation?”
Then, I shut up and listen.
Step 4 – After listening, I ask one more question. “Is there anything I can do to help?” And again, I shut up and listen.

When I ask them, “Is there anything I can do to help?” their usual response to that inquiry is “NO, but thanks for asking”. You see I showed I cared by listening. Most people know how to solve their own problems. They sometimes just want a sounding board.

It can be really hard to just shut up and listen when you may have been the self-proclaimed “fixer of all that you feel is broken”. You do have a choice to respond differently. It really is up to you. This process works like a charm. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the person with the problem usually just wants to vent and wants someone to listen to them. They do not want you to solve the problem.

When we step back from trying to fix people and stay out of their business, they usually step up and take care of themselves. This action creates a more confident and responsible individual. It is a win/win situation for all concerned.

When you feel the need to “fix” or rescue a love one, please STEP BACK and ask yourself these simple questions. They will help you to let go of that rescuing mentality and embrace the concept of supporting your love ones instead.

JOY SECRET #3 STEP BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Are you seeing your loved one broken or are they whole, perfect, and complete?
2. Do you want your loved one to be a victim or a responsible person?
3. Has your loved one asked you for help or are you volunteering your wisdom?
4. Have you been a good listener?

Again, as I have suggested at the end of each Simple Secret, try this for 30 days and journal the results. Please refer back to the other secrets to also help you with releasing the “fixer” mentality. Be kind and patient with yourself. If you have been doing this victim dance with your family member for years, it may be hard to stop. Be aware of your thoughts and actions. That will aid you in learning to support.

Copyright Vicki Kallman 2007

Continued from Part 1

I am sure that you have heard – “what you resist persists”.  From my personal experiences, that statement is completely true. Think for a moment about that one person who is always “wanting to control” you with their advice.  It could be your mother, sister, or husband.  When this happens, how do you feel?  Do you feel forced or wrong?  Or do you say to yourself “Forget that! I will not do it your way and you have not changed my mind?”  In fact, you might say to yourself “I was about to do it your way and now I won’t.  I will keep doing it my way!!” Then the problem persists. 
 
When we are not in the controlling mode, we step back so that the child or individual can step forward.  You are allowing them a chance to respond differently and giving them courage to make better choices.  Letting go of the control gave you what you wanted and you had to do nothing but step back and give control to that person. The growth will then come for both of you.  
 
We need to allow others to be who they are and thus, we allow ourselves to be who we are. We all get a wonderful gift. We can then retire the “crazy chicken dance outfit” and wear the calm and powerful robe of acceptance.
 
Let me give you a couple of examples as to how this can work.  When my oldest son was about 15 years old, the family was going to take a trip to the mountains for the day.  It was a family trip, so my husband and I wanted him to come.  He insisted that he wanted to stay home.  Instead of arguing with him and telling him that he had to go, we said, “OK, but you cannot go anywhere or have any friends over”.  He agreed.  We then loaded the van with a picnic lunch and all piled in except for him. When we started to pull out of the garage, he ran out of the house and announced that he wanted to go.  So, the whole family went and had a wonderful time.  It was really that easy.
 
Then, my youngest son, who is quite intelligent and an overall good kid, use to drive my crazy with his procrastination. While in school, he always procrastinated starting any kind of term paper or project until the last moment.  No matter how many times I recommend he start earlier on a project, he still did it last minute and was up all night to have the project done for the next day.  Being the good mom, I would help him with the project to make sure he got it done on time.  I was stressed and lost sleep too.  Then, I decided that if he wanted to wait to do the project at the last minute, it was not my problem.  I decided to hold him responsible for his own outcome.  So, when he was a junior in high school and a big project was due, I let him handle it all by himself.  He was a bit shocked that I did not get involved or stress over it.  He was up all night and I slept. 
 
The next day I made him attend all of his classes.  He chose to procrastinate and I felt great because I had had some sleep.  When he got home from school that day he did share with me that maybe he should start his projects earlier.  Even though he had good intentions to that, he did not change this pattern throughout high school or college.  He still got good grades and an excellent education.  He continued to procrastinate, but I stepped back.  I learned that crazy last-minute stuff worked for him and it was never going to look the way I wanted it to.  I could not change him and I became OK with it.  My life had less stress because of my choice.  It really was not my business. I was managing myself and it felt good. Until this behavior stops working for him, he will probably continue doing it.  That is his life lesson.  My lesson was to let go of wanting to control his behavior and manage myself.
 
I have given my clients this advice over and over again. When they heed it, the results are amazing.  I get that excited call saying you won’t believe it but it works.  They share their success stories with me. We have a good laugh.  Responding instead of reacting takes less energy with better results. Let go of the control and put joy and happiness back into your life.  Everyone benefits.  Remember, your response can start an amazingly peaceful ripple in your family’s pond.  Isn’t that what you really want anyway?
 
When you feel the urge to control someone or something other than yourself, please STEP BACK and ask yourself these simple questions. They will help you to choose to respond differently to your loved ones.
 
JOY SECRET 2 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:
1.     Would I rather be right than happy?
2.     What has being right done me so far?
3.     Can I let go of wanting to change or control this person or situation?
4.     Would I rather want change or have it?
 
Again, as I suggest at the end of these chapters that you try this for 30 days and journal what worked and what did not work for you. Whatever you do, do not tell your family.  They must want to read this blog for themselves.  You are then not managing yourself and you are wanting to change them. Resistance will be all you get!! 
 
Put these ideas into practice. They will see the difference in you might ask you what you are doing differently.  Then share the information and website.  Leave it up to them to surf the web for my website and blog, empower them.  This way everyone stays happy.  As you can see it is so simple just not easy! Be patient!

Copyright Vicki Kallman 2007

Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others,
But by accepting them as they are.
True acceptance is always without demands and expectations
Gerald G. Jampolsky
From “Love Is Letting Go of Fear

 
A few years ago, on a crisp, autumn morning, I set out to take my old dog, Cinnamon, on her daily walk. As we strolled along, I had put my headset on to listen to “the Sedona Method” on tape. About a minute into our walk, I heard the narrator say, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” That statement stopped me in my tracks. First, I got mad. Then, I wanted to argue with the man on the tapes. My mind was spinning. Like something large hitting me up the side of the head bringing me to my senses, I finally started to understand what he was talking about. I continued listening to the tapes. By the end of the walk, I felt an overall sense of freedom and relief because I realized that it was not my job to control my daughter’s happiness, only to control my own. I now knew that I had a choice. Before that moment, I felt that I had none.

I then looked back over the last 8 years and started to laugh and laugh. I just then realized that a lot of the suffering I had experienced with my daughter had come from wanting to control her happiness and her life. Through that entire struggle, we were both no closer to happiness than when I started.  

Take a moment and repeat the second Simple Secret to yourself, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” Pay attention to your reaction to this statement. Do not judge it. Just take note of it.

To help everyone grasp this statement, I would like to ask you these questions:

Wanting to change someone is the same as wanting to CONTROL him or her.  We usually want to control people to be right. However that is not the only reason. I believe the most prevalent reason however is fear. We fear they will get hurt if we do not stop their menacing behavior. We fear that they will fail. We fear that if they fail, our friends and neighbors will judge us as bad parents. We sometimes do it for the approval of others and ourselves. We fear that they will miss out having an experience that we feel they must have. The list goes on and on. What is your reason for wanting to control others?
 
I have many people in my life who play the part of the Controller.  They know what is right for everyone around them but themselves.  You know the type – “Control Freaks”.  If you are one of those people, please do not stop reading this blog.   Stay open the best you can through this secret and see if any of this makes sense to you.  Even if you have not been called a “Control Freak”, we all seem to be “wanting to control or change” something or someone at one time or another.  Maybe not to the same degree as the real control freaks but, still we play the “wanting to control” game especially with our family members.  We think we know what is right for them.  So, this Simple Secret applies to all of us.
 
It is just human nature to want to change and fix things that we feel are broken.  And, of course, everyone around us is broken sometimes – right?  See how easy it is to get wrapped up in the “wanting to change” dance?  That is one reason we have the “Crazy Chicken Dance” in our lives.
 
In this Simple Secret I have mentioned “wanting”.  Let me explain what I mean by this.  Would you “want “ someone to change or would you rather “have “ him or her change?  I don’t know about you, but I would rather “have” the change.  When we are in a state of wanting, we are in the emotion of “lust”.  My definition of lust is wanting something but feeling that we cannot have it.  This is not very productive.  It is putting a lot of energy on something and not producing anything but chaos.  It is the “wanting” that we get wrapped up in when we attempt to change or control someone or the situation.  When we are in “wanting”, it feels like a tornado spinning and it causes destruction in its path. 
 
When we choose to do something other than the “Crazy Chicken”, we are in a constructive energy flow.  We can only control how we respond to a situation or person.  We then have choice when are we responding and not reacting.  When you are reacting, your subconscious is running the show. When you are responding, you are making a conscious effort to choose differently.  Let me tell you what a gift it is to yourself to let go of wanting to change the other person and to accept them as they are.
 
Whenever I find myself wanting to change or control any one of my family members, I say to myself, “Can I let go of wanting to change or control that person”?  I answer Yes or No.  I do not discuss the answer with myself.  I answer just Yes or No.  Then, like a stressed-out bubble, the feeling of wanting to control or change that person just pops.  I then feel calm and much more at peace.  I will have to be honest, sometimes I repeat the phrase 5 or 6 times before that calmer and peaceful feeling shows up. 
 
Many of you may say to yourselves “How do I know if I am “wanting to control” someone”?  Wanting to control something feels like being pushy and hard.  And, no matter when you are attempting to control someone, you feel like they are pushing back.  They are in resistance to your forcing an idea on them. 
 
Can you see how your family and friends can benefit from you not pushing your “rightness” on them by trying to control them?  When you are forcing your rightness or control on others, they have to be wrong.  Who wants to feel wrong all the time?
 
You can even ask yourself that same question about yourself “Can I let go of wanting to change me”?  Remember, answer Yes or No.  When you can truly answer Yes to this question, you can then feel the peace that comes with only managing yourself.   
 
I can hear some of you now, “But they are not doing it right.  They are not making the right decisions”.  The only thing I can say to you is this, if you continue to be right, nobody will be HAPPY!!!!  You are continuing the “Chicken Dance” with the tornado going on inside of you and around your family.  You can choose to be right or to be happy!!  Again you control nothing except how you respond to any situation or person!
 
We do not have the right to stop our children and family members from experiencing their life’s lessons. Could your parents or friends really have stopped you from experiencing what you needed to learn? You needed the experiences to mature into the person you are today.  Controlling them stops them and stunts their emotional growth.  Allow them the chance to be who they are, too.
 
Let’s pretend for a moment that you have let go of wanting to change that person.  You may wonder what will happen to them because you are not controlling them.  First, if you are at peace with that person, you will let them be.  This gives them the freedom to respond to their world differently.  They start to make decisions for themselves.  The decisions that they make may or may not have the outcome that they want.  However, they need to have their wins and losses to know what will work and what will not.  They might fall down a few times, but they will learn how to walk (make decisions) on their own.  They will have their own failures and triumphs.  And, in the end, they will know how to take care of themselves.  It is a miracle!!  I have seen this many times with my family.  When everybody is minding their own business, they all become much happier!!
 
Here is another bit of advise given to me by Hale Dwoskin of Sedona Training Associates, which helped me understand and accept this Secret when I went through his “Happiness Is Free Course” in Los Angeles.  “People are going to do what they are going to do and they won’t do what they won’t do.”  YIKES!!  When I understood this, I was able to let go of wanting to change the people around me.  Again, it was a miracle.  My life became so easy.  No matter what kind of wanting to change someone I did, they did not change just because I wanted them to.
 
As with myself, your changes come from within and not from an outside source.  When we are wanting to change or control, we are “forcing” our rightness or good intentions on others.  When we are letting go of the wanting to change them, we feel empowered and so do they.  An empowered person can stop resisting the change and has power to see better choices to make.  Does this make sense to you?  Again, you do not have to believe what I say.  Try it for yourself and see if you discover your happiness.  It may not happen over night.  However, you will benefit from starting this right away.  It has worked for me every time. What to you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Think about it.  In return, your loved ones can experience their happiness if they so choose.

Part 2 of Simple Secret 2 to follow.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman