“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

For many years my happily-ever-after dream had been hidden in my heart afraid to come out. I guess I thought that if I did not bring it to the surface then I would not have to be reminded that I had failed. I was afraid to admit that I could not make my family happy. I was tangled up in all of “the facts” which had shut down the possibilities that we were never going to be happy again. My daughter’s depression affected all of us. That was a fact I could not ignore. My dream was tucked tight in my chest waiting for me to be introduced to the six Simple Secrets that would allow me to dream again.

After finding out she had Asperger’s Syndrome, she was able to deal with her anxiety and depression in a positive way. She had learned to find her own joy. Nine months later she married a wonderful man in a small intimate ceremony with her happy family and a few close friends looking on. That dream of happily-ever-after now was passed on to her.

Have you ever heard of these sayings, ”What you think about is what you bring about?” Or “We think to create”. Basically, these are sayings that have to do with the principles of the “Law of Attraction”. The Law of Attraction is, “I attract to my life what I put my energy, focus and attention to whether wanted or unwanted.” If you are focusing on your family dramas/problems you create more dramas. if you put your attention to your dream of a happy, healthy family, you will create one. “If you put junk in, you will get junk out.” “If you put good thoughts in, you will then get good thoughts out.” It is as simple as that. All the other Simple Secrets got me to change my thinking to what I wanted and thus I changed my world into a place I love living in. I stopped thinking what was not working and put my attention on what I wanted to happen instead. Like magic, my dream started to unfold right before my eyes.

When creating or remembering your dreams again, it is important to remember the “Law of Attraction”. What you are holding in your mind is what you will create. Are you ready to follow your heart to your dream?

The first step in dreaming is to know what you want. This is not always easy to do, especially if you have had your dream heart buried for years or you have forgotten how to dream. We are unaware that we had choice to do anything differently. If you are ready to dream, then let’s do it! Here is a guide to do just that!

I have set up another series of Step-Back questions for you to answer. First, set aside a few hours where you can be alone. Places like a library or the neighborhood park are excellent locations to do this exercise. Make sure you bring along a notebook or journal and pen to write your answers. I do not recommend doing this on a computer. My experience has been that when you answer the questions in long hand, you really connect better with your own heart’s desires. Secondly, you are to ask yourself each question then step-back, get quiet, and listen to the answer. This can be a life-changing experience for you, if you let it. Be as truthful as you can. Are ready to start your creative engines? Let’s go:

JOY SECRET 7 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Are you ready to dream?
2. Are you ready to be happy?
3. Are you able to forgive yourself and others?
4. Can you close your eyes and remember a time when everyone was happy?
5. Do you feel it is possible to have your family be healthy and happy?
6. Do you see happiness and joy in you and your family’s future?
7. Now, what do you want? Spend some time on this one. This is the core of your dream. It is the time to be still and listen. After you have written your dreams down, please prioritize them from the most important down to the least important. This will help you to get clear and stay focused on the most important first and then the rest will follow. You may not be able to do this all in one sitting. However, if it is not complete, please go back and finish it. You do not want to be stuck thinking about one-half of your dream. The result will be that you will only get part of what you want.

Here are few questions to help you with #7- Remember to write all of your answers down.

- What are you doing in your dream?
- Who are you with?
- Where are you?
- Are you responding to your life instead of reacting to it?
- Are you free of your family’s dramas?
- Have those problems/dramas taken care of themselves?
- Are you minding your own business?
- Are you doing what gives you joy?
- Are you allowing others to give to you?
- Have you become a great receiver?
- Is your love cup filled up?
- How are the people around you responding to you?
- Is your family being loving and accepting towards each other?
- What are your family members doing?
- Can you feel the love and joy?
- Are you allowing your loved ones to be who they are?
- Does your dream seem possible?
- If you had two words to describe this dream, what would they be?

After you have completed these questions, then ask yourself “Where do I see myself and my family in 1 year?” Go back to the 7 Step-Back questions again to help you with that answer. When you have completed that task, if you have time ask yourself this question, “Where do I see myself and my family in 5 years?” Again let the 7 questions help you with forming that dream.

Once you have completed this process, you should be able to have that dream. Now, all you have to do is apply these 7 Simple Secrets to your life and put your energy, focus, and attention on your dream and sit back and enjoy the journey!

Once you have completed this process, you might want to share your wonderful joy-filled dream with your family. That is great. However, please pick and choose carefully those who you wish to share this most intimate dream. Find the individuals who are supportive so that they can cheer you on. Be careful not to share it with your family’s ”dream buster”. Every family has a few. They love to burst everyone’s dream bubble with all their intellectual facts as to why your dream won’t work. Please don’t listen to their fear-based reasoning. Instead, listen to your inner voice that is speaking from your heart’s desires and know that your dream is right for you and your family. Block out anything that is not in tune with your precious dream.

Here is another exercise that could support you in realizing your dream. You can do this with other members of your family who hold your dream in their hearts, too. It is called the “Wouldn’t it be nice if….” exercise. This comes from one of my favorite books, Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Here is how you do this exercise. Hold your dream in your mind and then share something from that dream that has not happened yet. For instance, “Wouldn’t it be nice if, Uncle Johnny got a fabulous high paying job?” Or “Wouldn’t it be nice if, Jenny got well enough to play outside?” “Wouldn’t it be nice if, my body responded differently to food?” Do you understand the exercise? This is great whenever you want to spend time focusing on your dream. This exercise can support you in connecting with your heart and your dream. When you do this, you put your dream in the present moment and, from that place, your dreams will come true. Remember you attract to your life what you put your energy, focus, and attention to, whether wanted or unwanted.

Like I have mentioned before, all of the other 6 Simple Secrets will assist you in following your heart to your dreams of having a joy-filled family.

Remember, one person changing the way they think and feel can be the catalyst for change in everyone around them. Are you committed to having this dream realized? If so, then what type of pebble do you plan on dropping in your family’s pond? One filled with love and joy? Or one filled with fear and guilt? Remember your family’s joy begins with YOU!

“Go Confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.”
–Henry David Thoreau

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times it takes much more strength to know when to let go—and then do it. Ann Landers

It was 1997. I was having a really bad, drama-filled year. During that time, one crappy thing after another was happening to my family or to me. It started with my beloved father-in-law having major surgery and my daughter’s attempt to take her own life as a result of her chronic depression. And, that was only in the first two weeks! I do not want to bore you with the other draining dramas that plagued me that year. I was frustrated and exhausted from being so wrapped up in all the drama. However, by December 31, 1997, I had had enough!

At that moment I felt a shift happen inside me. I believe that life- changing moment was the catalyst that launched me on my journey of self-discovery and to uncovering all the other Secrets. I knew at that moment that I wanted no more drama. However, I needed the tools to support me in letting go of those draining dramas in my life so that I could make room for my delightful dreams again.

Family dramas are so addictive. Like a drug addict, I had to hit rock bottom. Only from that low place could I finally see that it was time to do something different and be open to see the path to positive change. While open, I was able to discover and put in to practice the first five Simple Secrets. It took me a few years though. My journey was like the old Zen Buddhism proverb, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” At different times I was ready for different messages. So, do not be hard on yourself if you do not feel ready for all of the Simple Secrets at once. Work with the ones you are comfortable with, the ones you resonate with, and then reread these blog entries again at another date.

Why are most of us hooked on dramas? I believe it must be human nature to be so. My goodness. How many hours do we sit in front of the TV watching the nightly drama unravel on our favor shows? How much money do we spend each year going to the movies? Look how much an actor makes to play out those dramas. I believe that we are born “drama junkies”. There is an excitement attached to it all. Some times we get our identity from the drama. “I have drama in my life therefore, I exist.” It is though if we did not have dramas to take care of-then what would we do? I believe that I was caught up in all that thinking for years. Not a great way to be.

I once shared with a friend of mine Simple Secret #1, “The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself and Mind Your Own Business”. She thought for a moment and asked me how she could do that in a particular situation with her brother. She was very upset by the situation that her brother was in. I explained to her what minding your own business and not rescuing someone looks like. First, listen and see if it directly involves you. Second, ask if you can do anything to help him, and then Shut Up! Be quiet and listen to what he has to say. Most of the time the person wants you to do nothing but listen. She looked at me with a slight grin and exclaimed, “But that would be so boring!” We both laughed. I continued to explain to her that in the beginning you might feel that way. However, in the end, your life can be a lot more exciting when you are out of everyone else’s drama. You are free to explore your own thrilling adventures when you are not tied down to someone else’s stuff!!

I do not believe that you have to hit rock bottom to know that you need to learn to respond differently to your family’s dramas. I hope you see that you must learn to let go of these draining dramas that have held you back from really having the wonderful life you deserve. Have you ever noticed that dreams and dramas have all the same letters but one? Just remove the last “a” in drama and add the letter “e” in front of the first “a” and you have your dream. Just a simple shift like that in your life can make all the difference in your world.

Dramas are only obstacles to being happy and realizing your dreams. How many times have you said, “I will be happy when…..” Or “I will be happy when he stops drinking and gets a job.” Or “I will be happy when my daughter finally passes that math class”? There are many excuses like that which stop us from being happy NOW. I am sure you have heard and know them all. Those are the family dramas that hinder many of us. Delay your happiness no more. Decide today to “kick the drama addiction”. You are just a decision away from your dreams.

Every family has an entertaining “drama” queen or king that loves to rule. So, you might feel that it may be hard to shift yourself out of being in their dramas. Now, for the good news. I have shown you that you have a choice to do something else. You have this book on this blog and you can do something different and achieve better results. Life will become a lot easier. If you are minding your own business, you cannot be sucked into any family drama. If you are controlling nothing but how you respond to the drama, you cannot be dragged into it. If you are supporting that family member and not rescuing them, you cannot be drained by the situation. If you love yourself and are receiving all the good the universe has for you then, those dramas cannot take hold of you. In the end, you will have the energy to accept the drama conditions and move on. Wow, what would happen then? Maybe you would finally have room to step-back and watch your delightful dreams come true. By stepping back and doing that for you, you are allowing that loved one to step forward and maybe get closer to their dreams, too. It is amazing how that works.

After months of staying out of your family’s dramas, you may find yourself being pulled into a drama or two and they are getting in the way of your joy. Then, I suggest you step-back and ask yourself these questions to get yourself back on track, making room for your delightful dreams.

JOY SECRET 6 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Have I had enough drama, yet?
2. Is my happiness dependant upon someone else?
3. What if I had no problems/dramas in my life right now, what would I be doing and how would I feel?
4. Whose business is it anyway?

At some level, we want our family to be happy. Most of us have had that dream at one time or another. When I got married, that was my dream a happily-ever-after one. For many years, the dramas of my life detoured me from realizing that dream. Please don’t let your family’s dramas do the same to you. Now, do you dare to imagine something different–a joyful life for you and your family? If that is hard to imagine at this time, then the next Simple Secret will wake you up to the endless possibilities.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Love received and love given comprise the best form of therapy.
–Gordon William Allpor

In those dark years of trying to fix and control everyone and not minding my own business, all I felt I did was give, give, and give. I was physically and emotionally drained. I was unhealthy, over-giving, and under-receiving and it showed in all areas of my life. When I started my journey of self-discovery, I attended many seminars and read several books that insisted that one must give AND receive to have a happy, balanced life. However, I was not open to hear that message. I once took a 10-day personal growth seminar that spent one whole day on just “receiving”. And I still did not get it. Two years later I finally got it.

A few weeks after winning the massage, I booked my appointment. My friend, the massage therapist, even came to my home. She had an amazing and loving angelic touch. Half way through the massage, something happened. I stopped rejecting the massage. I finally started to understand what it felt like to “receive”. I could not remember the last time I had allowed myself to feel this way. I started to melt and relax. It was life changing for me. As I lay there really enjoying myself, it came to me. So this is what that seminar’s “receiving” day was all about. WOW! Then I began to laugh and laugh uncontrollably. Since that enlightening day, I have had many types of massages. Now I get a massage whenever I can. I lay there and open myself up to receive the healing which allows me to give myself love. Yes, it is all connected.

All our lives we hear that it is better to give than to receive. Giving is a wonderful thing. However, if the whole world gave and no one received, people would stop giving because the gift would not be received. Thus, the giver would feel the rejection instead of feeling the receiving. Believe me, the giver would stop giving in no time at all.

You may have run across the martyr-type person who grudgingly gives and complains, “I give and I give and I get nothing in return”. I have two questions for the martyr-type person – “Have you been rejecting gifts and love given you?” And, in return, “Have your loved ones finally stopped giving to you?”

This a trap that mothers or women in general get into. Most men don’t get caught in this trap. Receiving seems easy for men. This idea can go as far back as the beginning of civilization. Women have been in the role of giving service and doing without so that the family survives. Along the way we started to feel undeserving to receive anything. On the flip side of this, man provided the food and shelter and in return received or took what he wanted. If you have to blame anyone for this pattern of not receiving for women, blame our over-giving and under-receiving prehistoric female ancestors.

If you did not have a role model growing up who opened themselves up to receive all the good that came their way, then you might not know that receiving is as big as giving! By the way, this can also be a man’s issue. I have met many men who have trouble receiving also.

How do you know if you are an under-receiver or not? Ask yourself these questions.

If you have answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, then you need to learn to receive as well as give.

Like our breathing, energy flows in and flows out of our bodies? If all you did was exhale, could you survive? It doesn’t take a world-class medical researcher to tell you the answer would be NO. You see, one must inhale also and fill up those lungs so they can easily and effortlessly exhale, thus feeding every part of one’s body with the critical oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide in order to function healthily.

As with breathing, our energy must flow in and out, too. We must have an energy exchange of giving and receiving to have a healthy, happy and balanced relationship with ourselves and our loved ones. It is imperative that you understand this concept. Understanding and practicing receiving is that one step in having a joy for you and your family you cannot ignore. Without being a good receiver, I will guarantee that your life will stay stuck in a place I do not think you want to be. I know this from personal experience. No one wins when you do not give AND receive. Remember, as with breathing –one cannot exhale(give) with inhaling(receiving) first. If you wish to be happy and have happy loved ones, then you must have that receiving and giving thing in balance. Always remember-Simple Secret #5- Receiving is as big as giving.

Here are a few things you can do to become a better receiver to regain balance and joy in your life.

Step One: First, you must choose to become a better receiver. You have to make a conscious choice. Then, you must practice staying open to receive. With amazing results, my mantra for the past 5 years has been “I am open to receive all the good God has for me.” You can even do this with a prayer everyday if you wish. Remember, you always have choice.

Step Two: Practice accepting gifts and compliments by saying “thank you” and taking a moment to open up your heart and receive them. Stop yourself when you become aware that you are rejecting gifts or compliments. Just doing this simple gesture can change your life forever. Do your best and do all of this without judgment. This may take you awhile before you are in the habit of receiving, as rejecting has become a habit for many of us. I have been working on this for years. The experts say that it takes 90 days of doing something different to break that negative habit and replace it with another positive response.

Step Three: Start to notice how the people around you are responding to your receiving. Are they getting joy from giving to you? Are they willing to do more for you? You may be teaching them to receive also. Here everyone wins.

Step Four: Let people do little things for you like make dinner, help clean up the house, or bring you dinner if you have to work late. Always thank them for the gestures. This helps you to receive and it gives them a chance to give. Then feel the love exchange when that happens.

Step Five: You can always do what worked for me. Go have a relaxing, receiving massage just for you. Again, leave all the undeserving guilt at the door. Stay open and enjoy receiving it.

Learning to receive is a wonderful aid in accomplishing Simple Secret #4 – Love Yourself And The Rest Will Follow. Practicing receiving on a regular basis will assist you in filling up your love cup. A person who is filled up shines so bright and those around then enjoy their light too. Just think that if you are managing yourself and receiving all the good there is for you, what are you teaching your loved ones? You are teaching them to breathe “in-receive” and “out- give” and to be healthy and happy. What a powerful lesson for you and them. What an amazing role model you can become.

Now, ask yourself these STEP-BACK questions. This will get you back on the track of receiving as well as giving once you find yourself off track. Let these questions help you to create balance in that area of your life.

Joy Secret #5 Step-Back Questions:

1. When was the last time I let someone help me with anything?
2. Have I opened up my heart to receive today?
3. When was the last time I really received a compliment or praise?
4. Has over-giving and under-receiving given me joy today?

Acknowledge your gains with this Simple Secret #5 by writing in a journal, if that suits you.

Coming soon– the last and 7th Simple Secret to your Family’s Joy. I hope you have enjoyed the journey so far.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Continued from Part 1

Imagine for a moment that you have let go of wanting to control your loved one’s. You are managing yourself. You are now loving yourself and you are lovingly supporting them. What kind of pebble have you dropped in your family’s pond? Close your eyes for a moment and visualize what your life and family would be like when you drop that “loving yourself” pebble in their pond. Do you feel your heart open up as you visualized the effects of that “loving yourself” pebble? How were your loved ones responding to that pebble? I bet they are laughing and enjoying life. What a wonderful gift your “loving yourself” pebble gave to your family? Remember, if you can visualize or dream it, you can achieve it! I will go more into that in Simple Secret 7.

Many of you may be having trouble imagining this loving scenario. Maybe you are struggling with the “Loving Yourself First” part. There are various reasons for this struggle. One of them that might be stopping you is a forgiveness issue. You may not be forgiving yourself or someone else. A wise friend once shared with me this statement about forgiveness. “When we do not forgive someone, it is like we are drinking the poison expecting the other person to die.” Not forgiving is toxic to your soul.

Take a moment to think of someone you have not forgiven. Now, how do you feel thinking about them? Is your heart heavy? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Yes, those are the same feelings you encounter when you are being poisoned. Strange, but true. Free yourself by forgiving yourself and others. Forgiving is a sure fire way of filling up your own love cup.

Now, family members seem to be the hardest to forgive. I guess we expect more from them and we are easily disappointed by their actions. We seem to have so many reasons not to forgive them. We may be right not to forgive that family member, but we usually are not happy about it. To many people it is about being right and they take that “rightness” to their graves. Yet, they have been very unhappy people. I do not know about you, but that is not the way I want to live my life.

I had a few issues with a family member. I felt this person had not treated me right and was not there for me when I really needed their support. I held on to the grudge of that injustice for years. I had to be right and in not forgiving them for years, I wondered why my relationship with that person was strained? One day I decided I wanted a better relationship with this family member, so I forgave that person. At last I was free to have the relationship I wanted. I let go of the grudge. I now enjoy my time with this person The rift is gone. I like who I am around this person and before I did not. Yet¸ I no longer have the urge to be right all the time. Being happy is a better fit for me.

I cannot talk about “loving yourself first and the rest will follow” without teaching you the “attitude of gratitude” game. Being grateful for what you have is one of the fastest ways to fill that love cup up. This is how the game is played. Get a pad and pencil. The first time you play, find a quiet place where you can focus on the game. Look around you and see what you have in your life and have gratitude for what you have. Do this by making a list of all the things you are grateful for. For example, the list can look something like this:

1. I am grateful for my job.
2. I am grateful for my children.
3. I am grateful for the food I eat everyday.
4. I am grateful for my loving spouse.

The list can go on for pages once you get on a roll.

Why does this fill up your love cup? Because, in order to play the game you have to be in the present moment. You get to be where your feet are, which is a beautiful and loving place to be. You cannot be in the past or future because you are not going to play with what you had or what you will get later. It is about what you have in your life today. It is the best present you can give yourself. It also helps us to acknowledge the good decisions we have made in our lives. Acknowledging what we have validates our choices. This also empowers us and makes us self-confident to make good decisions in the future. Being empowered and self-confident always fills your love cup.

I have had many students and friends play this game with amazing results. Most of them make the gratitude lists before they go to bed. Going to sleep on a positive note seems to set them up to have joyful day the next day. Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself and let me know your results.

If you have a day that you struggle to love yourself for any reason, go back to the first three Simple Secrets, play the gratitude game, or you can STEP BACK and answer these questions to help you fill up your love cup. The last thing to remember, love doesn’t cost a penny and everyone deserves LOVE even YOU.

Joy Secret 4 Step-Back Questions:

1.When was the last time I told myself “I am Enough?”
2.When was the last time I said “No”?
3.Who do I need to forgive to be happy again?
3.When was the last time I gave thanks for what I have in my life right now?

Please journal these results of using this Simple Secret 4 along with the other three Simple Secrets. I hope you are starting to enjoy this empowering process.