Vicki Kallman’s Blog

Continued from Part 1

I can only describe myself during those dark, dense, unhappy years. I was doing the “Crazy Chicken Dance” as though I was running around with my head cut off. I went in many directions at the same time. If you have ever seen a chicken right after they have had their heads chopped off, it is not a pretty sight. My grandparents lived on a farm and raised chickens. Once, when I was around 7 years old, I witnessed that sickening sight first hand. After the chicken’s heads were gone, they would run around in circles as fast as they could. Like the chicken with no head, I ran around in the dark full of worry and despair. I was exerting a lot of energy and getting nowhere fast. I can honestly say that my family was following that crazy, unhappy chicken-dance lady through the land of unhappiness.

At times my daughter would come to me with a so-called problem and the next thing you know I would be managing her. I would try to fix her situation and would again start to feel like that crazy, stressed out, headless chicken. I would get stuck in that nasty energy and what happiness I had would fade. Luckily, as time went by, I got better at managing only myself. I did less and less of the “crazy chicken dance” and changed the dance steps into a peaceful, managing-myself “Phoenix Bird Waltz”. As long as I did not get wrapped up in her dramas and let go of being involved, I could be in my happiness.

That beautiful empowering waltz allowed me to be calm. I had changed the steps thus creating more joy in my life. In return, my daughter learned that when I was dancing that peaceful dance, I could no longer get pulled into those old, unproductive, chicken dance steps. Like magic, she seemed to be able to find her own solutions that did not involve my husband or myself. She became more responsible for her own choices and did not seem to have as many problems.

An important point to remember, when you change and begin by managing yourself, your family members may stay around and want to stand in your light, while others may choose to leave. We did experience those times with my daughter from time to time. Let me explain. Sometimes when you are feeling great and nothing can bring you down, the person with a lot of drama may not want to be around you. And other times when you are shining and feeling great, it helps them to feel that way too. Whichever way it happens, it is their choice, not yours. You are allowing them an opportunity to choose the “Peaceful Waltz” or “The Crazy Chicken”.

Managing yourself is a key part to being an effective leader. If you read any books on leadership, one of the things they teach is for you to first be a leader of yourself. If you are a parent or spouse and you are in that leadership role, it is most important to know where you’re going. If you do not know where you want to go, then how can you expect anyone to follow you? Or, if they are following you, where are you leading them?

I know this seems to be a bit overwhelming. Be patient. The next 6 Simple Secrets will support you in managing yourself and letting your family members manage themselves. Remember, you will be learning to manage yourself so you can be happy first and shine bright! You then can lead your family out of their own self-imposed darkness and find their own happiness and light. Doesn’t that sound wonderful and possible!!

At the end of every chapter, you will be given a set of Step-Back questions to help you with the Secret. First, ask yourself the questions and stop and listen to your answer. From there you can see that you have choice to respond or react. It is up to you. All of these questions give you choice to do something different or not.

JOY SECRET 1 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Is this really my business/problem?
2. Whose business/problem is it?
3. Does this business/problem directly affect me?
4. Who am I managing right now?

When you feel the urge to get involved in your loved ones business/problems, please Step Back and ask yourself these questions. They will help you in getting back to managing yourself and finding your joy.

Now is the time to open your journal and do an exercise. Make a list of all the things that you are worrying about right now. When you are done, go back to each worry and ask yourself the four Step-Back questions. Once you have answered all the questions for all the worries, you will then see which things affect you directly and which do not. At this time, work on the ones that affect only you and leave the others to someone else.

Journal how you might feel when you are able to be free of those other worries. Do you feel lighter?

One more thing, please practice using these Step-Back questions for 30 days when needed. Journal the results as they come. Write what is working and what is not. Be kind to yourself. Change does not come fast. It is all a process.

In Joy,

Vicki

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

If things go wrong in the world
Something is wrong with me
Therefore if I am sensible
I shall put myself right first.
C.G. Jung

What did your wise mother say to you when you were tattling on your sibling? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! We heard that time and time again when we were growing up. Now, as adults, it is time to live it and experience the joy from doing so.

Are you ready for Secret No. 1? The only job you have right now is to manage yourself! Or, in other words, mind your own business. In fact, it is the only job you have ever had. That might sound selfish, but it is not. It’s quite the opposite. This goes against everything we thought we were supposed to be as a mother, father, or loved one.

It may be a difficult concept to grasp. We were taught that it was our job to make things better and solve our loved one’s troubles. Our family’s joy depended on us and only us! We are supposed to be the mighty fixers and givers of joy. As you will soon understand, we do not control anyone’s happiness and joy but our own. And, that is a good thing for everyone involved.

When we are happy and joyful, it allows others to find their own joy. Joy is like a cold, the longer you are exposed to it the greater chance you will catch it. Someone once said, “If Mama ain’t happy, then nobody is happy.” The opposite is also true. “If Mama is happy, then everyone can be happy!” To help you understand the importance of “the only job you have is to manage yourself”, let me share with you this airline safety analogy. When we fly, and before we take off, the flight attendant gives us the flight safety briefing. Correct? The attendant instructs the passengers that, “In the event of a sudden change in the cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop at this time. Take the mask and put it on yourself securing it with the elastic strap. Pull on the mask to start the oxygen flow. And, if you are traveling with small children or someone acting like a small child, put the mask on yourself first and then help the child or child-like person with their oxygen mask!”

Imagine this scenario for a moment. If you were not paying attention to the safety briefing and the cabin pressure changes during the flight, the masks will drop. You are trying to put the mask on your child first and you are not getting any oxygen. You become frantic. The child is scared and screaming. You cannot get the mask on your child no matter how hard you try. You are gasping for air and both of you are not getting any oxygen. You both lose consciousness. What a mess! What a drama!

Now, follow “the only job you have is to manage yourself” concept. When the cabin pressure changes, you are now going to do just what the flight attendant instructed you to do. The mask drops and you first take care of yourself by securing your mask. You notice that you are no longer gasping for air. You are now breathing and much calmer. You then grab the child’s oxygen mask and can now effectively support your child with their mask. Wow, success and you both are breathing. Success and no drama! Do you see the picture? This is an example of why the first Simple Secret works. You find your air (joy) first and then you support your love ones to find their air (joy).

You noticed I did not say “easy”. I said “simple”. There is a difference. If you are not doing a great job managing yourself, how can you help others? If you are not living in your own happiness and joy, how can you support anyone else in finding theirs? It is all about leading by example.

When my daughter was suffering so much from depression, nothing I did made much difference. I am sure many of you have experienced this kind of frustration with a member of your family. My health was failing and I was so in the dark. I was just not happy. I was also trying to find happiness for my daughter and my family. Based on results, what I was doing was not working. It took me 8 years of living in that dark energy before I started to look for the light and do something different. I can now laugh at myself. I now see that I must have been slow learner or I had a lot to learn because it took so long to wake up and change my thinking.

Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result”. Yes, I was in my own insanity during those years. If it takes awhile for you to see some changes, be patient with yourself. Stay open as you take these first steps out of the darkness on your journey of self-discovery. You can stay in the dark and continue the insanity or shine bright and light up your world. Remember that you are only managing yourself and you have choices.

When I decide to do make different choices, I really did not know where to start. I read books on thinking differently and attended self-improvement courses. Step by step, I moved into the light and saw that by making different choices I could have new results. My happiness and joy had been covered up by worry, self-doubt and fear caused by being in everyone else’s business. I knew my joy was in me somewhere. I soon became more at peace, and therefore, more accepting.

My husband noticed differences in me. He started taking a few of the same courses that I had taken and also became more accepting. We were happier and much less stressed in our marriage. I then noticed that I was responding to my daughter’s actions in a positive way. The communication between us all became better and we became a stronger support for each other. This is when we all started to heal and become a much more loving family.

I believe we are here to play “The Game of Life”. Like in the board game of Monopoly, sometimes we pass go and get $200 and sometimes we don’t when we draw the “go directly to jail” card. We all must experience the consequences of our actions. We have to wait until WE draw the “get-out-of-jail” card. Nobody can draw that card for us. We are not here to have other people play our life’s game and vice versa. In other words, we are here to “mind our own business”.

Stay tuned for Part II of Simple Secret #1

In Joy,
Vicki

copyright 2007 by Vicki Kallman

Before I give you Simple Secret #1 , I wanted to talk a little bit about joy and happy. In one of my dictionaries, the definition of “joy” is a very happy feeling; great pleasure; delight. That same dictionary said that “happy” was a feeling or showing pleasure or joy; glad; content. Happy was in joy and joy was in happy. They seem to be synonymous.

However, I feel there is a subtle difference in them. “Happy” is involves more of our heads/thinking, while “joy” is a deep down heart-felt emotion. Joy is more physical and happy is more cerebral. When I feel joy, I seem to want to “jump for joy”. I also feel happy is more fleeting and joy stays vibrating through our bodies much longer. It is as though we are rediscovering who we really are when we feel joy. Happy seems to come and go much quicker. Do not get me wrong, I love happy as much as the next person. I believe being happy can lead you to your joy and your true self. I hope these 7 Simple Secrets will guide you to your heart-felt joy by way of your happiness.

In Joy,

Vicki

“Love is giving someone the Space to be who they are and who they are not.” – W. Erhart

My story begins as a typical little girl born in the early fifties. I dreamt of growing up, getting married, and having a loving family. You know, the “happily ever after” dream so many of us have. I was born third of four children. My childhood was typical for the times. My mother had the role of raising the four kids and my father was the breadwinner. He was career Air Force and, like any “lifer”, he was gone a lot. We did not have a lot of money, but, like mothers of that era, mine was still able to be home with us most of the time. But, other than that, we were happy even with our moments of dysfunction, as I believe all families have in one degree or another.

In December of 1974, I met my husband, Rod. He was a senior at the U.S. Air Force Academy and on Christmas Break. After a 9-month courtship, we were married at the Academy Chapel on September 6, 1975. Then, we were off to his pilot training base in Columbus, Mississippi. Being the classic military types, we moved every 2 to 3 years for over 20 years. It was a good but hectic life.

After 2 years of marriage, I had my first son while we were stationed in Tucson, Arizona. After we moved to South Korea, I had a few health problems. The American doctors in Seoul said that I would not be able to have another child because of complications due to a surgery. With this news, we decided to adopt a 10-month-old Korean baby girl. Yet, after we returned to the States a year later, I became pregnant with my second son. So much for not being able to get pregnant again. I raised my children pretty much as my parents had raised my siblings and myself. Of course, I changed a few things. But, overall, I instilled the same values in my children that my parents had instilled in me.

In the early years, I loved being a Mom. I loved watching my children learn to walk, go to their first day of school, throw their first ball, and having their wonderful life experiences. I did not mind kissing their booboos and being there for them. To this day when my children come to visit, my heart soars.

Everything was going along pretty well until my adopted daughter turned 13 years old. Now, we knew she was different. We chalked it up to her being Korean and an introvert in a Caucasian family of extroverts. She always seemed to have trouble emotionally connecting and understanding others (children and adults).

She was a talented student in elementary school. However, when she started middle school, her social anxieties increased to the point where she could not attend school. Then, the depression set in. I had never been around anyone with emotional problems. This was all new territory for my husband and I. We took her to the doctors and they told us that they thought she was having these problems because she was adopted. They prescribed medication and regular visits to child counselors. This went on for over 8 years. When she started attending high school, the paralyzing anxieties escalated and then she needed to be hospitalized.

What was I doing during this time? I was doing everything to make everyone happy. I still had two sons to take care of. By this time, my husband was a squadron commander at Nellis Air Force Base in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was being pulled in so many different directions. My daughter needed constant care. No matter what I did to try to make her feel better, nothing worked. I became physically and emotionally exhausted. This was not the “happily ever after” dream I had planned on. The dream turned in to a nightmare.

Where did I go wrong? I gave and gave to my family. I did what my mom had done, but the rules seemed to be changing. Nothing seemed to work. Luckily, my husband and I have a strong bond or we might not have made it through those trying years.

When I first became a mother, I felt I was supposed to give my all to my family. I was counted on to fix all my children’s problems, be all knowing, and, in return, my children were supposed to be happy and full of joy. After experiencing a depressed child, I realized I had a lot to learn when it came to being an effective, loving, and joyful parent.

After trying to control my world and getting crappy results, I started looking at what made me happy. I decided to start working on myself. I took personal growth seminars, read books, and found things that gave me joy. Being open to change myself allowed me to grow into a more conscious being. The more fulfilled I became, the less drama we had in our family. When I started to feel better, my daughter and my family did better. I discovered during this time that the more I had tried to fix my daughter, the more she stayed broken. Therefore, I was a big part of the problem.

Once I started working on myself, on her own she discovered, at the age of 23 years old, that she was born with the condition called Asperger Syndrome. It is a high-functioning form of Autism. The light that we saw at the end of the tunnel was no longer an on-coming train. It was the light that guided us out of years of frustration and heartache. Finally, we understood her limitations and strengths as well as our own. Today, she is happily married and like all of us, she is living life doing the best she can.

In this book, I will share with you these 7 Secrets that I discovered along the path of my own self-discovery. Discovering these secrets and implementing them has shown me how I can have my “happily ever after” dream come true. Because I have learned to manage myself first, I have my 30-plus-year marriage, my children and my grandchildren which all add to my joy. I know for sure that if I had not worked on myself and changed the way I responded to my world, my dream of “happily ever after” would not have become a reality.

copyright 2007 by Vicki Kallman