Vicki Kallman’s Blog

“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

For many years my happily-ever-after dream had been hidden in my heart afraid to come out. I guess I thought that if I did not bring it to the surface then I would not have to be reminded that I had failed. I was afraid to admit that I could not make my family happy. I was tangled up in all of “the facts” which had shut down the possibilities that we were never going to be happy again. My daughter’s depression affected all of us. That was a fact I could not ignore. My dream was tucked tight in my chest waiting for me to be introduced to the six Simple Secrets that would allow me to dream again.

After finding out she had Asperger’s Syndrome, she was able to deal with her anxiety and depression in a positive way. She had learned to find her own joy. Nine months later she married a wonderful man in a small intimate ceremony with her happy family and a few close friends looking on. That dream of happily-ever-after now was passed on to her.

Have you ever heard of these sayings, ”What you think about is what you bring about?” Or “We think to create”. Basically, these are sayings that have to do with the principles of the “Law of Attraction”. The Law of Attraction is, “I attract to my life what I put my energy, focus and attention to whether wanted or unwanted.” If you are focusing on your family dramas/problems you create more dramas. if you put your attention to your dream of a happy, healthy family, you will create one. “If you put junk in, you will get junk out.” “If you put good thoughts in, you will then get good thoughts out.” It is as simple as that. All the other Simple Secrets got me to change my thinking to what I wanted and thus I changed my world into a place I love living in. I stopped thinking what was not working and put my attention on what I wanted to happen instead. Like magic, my dream started to unfold right before my eyes.

When creating or remembering your dreams again, it is important to remember the “Law of Attraction”. What you are holding in your mind is what you will create. Are you ready to follow your heart to your dream?

The first step in dreaming is to know what you want. This is not always easy to do, especially if you have had your dream heart buried for years or you have forgotten how to dream. We are unaware that we had choice to do anything differently. If you are ready to dream, then let’s do it! Here is a guide to do just that!

I have set up another series of Step-Back questions for you to answer. First, set aside a few hours where you can be alone. Places like a library or the neighborhood park are excellent locations to do this exercise. Make sure you bring along a notebook or journal and pen to write your answers. I do not recommend doing this on a computer. My experience has been that when you answer the questions in long hand, you really connect better with your own heart’s desires. Secondly, you are to ask yourself each question then step-back, get quiet, and listen to the answer. This can be a life-changing experience for you, if you let it. Be as truthful as you can. Are ready to start your creative engines? Let’s go:

JOY SECRET 7 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Are you ready to dream?
2. Are you ready to be happy?
3. Are you able to forgive yourself and others?
4. Can you close your eyes and remember a time when everyone was happy?
5. Do you feel it is possible to have your family be healthy and happy?
6. Do you see happiness and joy in you and your family’s future?
7. Now, what do you want? Spend some time on this one. This is the core of your dream. It is the time to be still and listen. After you have written your dreams down, please prioritize them from the most important down to the least important. This will help you to get clear and stay focused on the most important first and then the rest will follow. You may not be able to do this all in one sitting. However, if it is not complete, please go back and finish it. You do not want to be stuck thinking about one-half of your dream. The result will be that you will only get part of what you want.

Here are few questions to help you with #7- Remember to write all of your answers down.

- What are you doing in your dream?
- Who are you with?
- Where are you?
- Are you responding to your life instead of reacting to it?
- Are you free of your family’s dramas?
- Have those problems/dramas taken care of themselves?
- Are you minding your own business?
- Are you doing what gives you joy?
- Are you allowing others to give to you?
- Have you become a great receiver?
- Is your love cup filled up?
- How are the people around you responding to you?
- Is your family being loving and accepting towards each other?
- What are your family members doing?
- Can you feel the love and joy?
- Are you allowing your loved ones to be who they are?
- Does your dream seem possible?
- If you had two words to describe this dream, what would they be?

After you have completed these questions, then ask yourself “Where do I see myself and my family in 1 year?” Go back to the 7 Step-Back questions again to help you with that answer. When you have completed that task, if you have time ask yourself this question, “Where do I see myself and my family in 5 years?” Again let the 7 questions help you with forming that dream.

Once you have completed this process, you should be able to have that dream. Now, all you have to do is apply these 7 Simple Secrets to your life and put your energy, focus, and attention on your dream and sit back and enjoy the journey!

Once you have completed this process, you might want to share your wonderful joy-filled dream with your family. That is great. However, please pick and choose carefully those who you wish to share this most intimate dream. Find the individuals who are supportive so that they can cheer you on. Be careful not to share it with your family’s ”dream buster”. Every family has a few. They love to burst everyone’s dream bubble with all their intellectual facts as to why your dream won’t work. Please don’t listen to their fear-based reasoning. Instead, listen to your inner voice that is speaking from your heart’s desires and know that your dream is right for you and your family. Block out anything that is not in tune with your precious dream.

Here is another exercise that could support you in realizing your dream. You can do this with other members of your family who hold your dream in their hearts, too. It is called the “Wouldn’t it be nice if….” exercise. This comes from one of my favorite books, Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Here is how you do this exercise. Hold your dream in your mind and then share something from that dream that has not happened yet. For instance, “Wouldn’t it be nice if, Uncle Johnny got a fabulous high paying job?” Or “Wouldn’t it be nice if, Jenny got well enough to play outside?” “Wouldn’t it be nice if, my body responded differently to food?” Do you understand the exercise? This is great whenever you want to spend time focusing on your dream. This exercise can support you in connecting with your heart and your dream. When you do this, you put your dream in the present moment and, from that place, your dreams will come true. Remember you attract to your life what you put your energy, focus, and attention to, whether wanted or unwanted.

Like I have mentioned before, all of the other 6 Simple Secrets will assist you in following your heart to your dreams of having a joy-filled family.

Remember, one person changing the way they think and feel can be the catalyst for change in everyone around them. Are you committed to having this dream realized? If so, then what type of pebble do you plan on dropping in your family’s pond? One filled with love and joy? Or one filled with fear and guilt? Remember your family’s joy begins with YOU!

“Go Confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.”
–Henry David Thoreau

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times it takes much more strength to know when to let go—and then do it. Ann Landers

It was 1997. I was having a really bad, drama-filled year. During that time, one crappy thing after another was happening to my family or to me. It started with my beloved father-in-law having major surgery and my daughter’s attempt to take her own life as a result of her chronic depression. And, that was only in the first two weeks! I do not want to bore you with the other draining dramas that plagued me that year. I was frustrated and exhausted from being so wrapped up in all the drama. However, by December 31, 1997, I had had enough!

At that moment I felt a shift happen inside me. I believe that life- changing moment was the catalyst that launched me on my journey of self-discovery and to uncovering all the other Secrets. I knew at that moment that I wanted no more drama. However, I needed the tools to support me in letting go of those draining dramas in my life so that I could make room for my delightful dreams again.

Family dramas are so addictive. Like a drug addict, I had to hit rock bottom. Only from that low place could I finally see that it was time to do something different and be open to see the path to positive change. While open, I was able to discover and put in to practice the first five Simple Secrets. It took me a few years though. My journey was like the old Zen Buddhism proverb, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” At different times I was ready for different messages. So, do not be hard on yourself if you do not feel ready for all of the Simple Secrets at once. Work with the ones you are comfortable with, the ones you resonate with, and then reread these blog entries again at another date.

Why are most of us hooked on dramas? I believe it must be human nature to be so. My goodness. How many hours do we sit in front of the TV watching the nightly drama unravel on our favor shows? How much money do we spend each year going to the movies? Look how much an actor makes to play out those dramas. I believe that we are born “drama junkies”. There is an excitement attached to it all. Some times we get our identity from the drama. “I have drama in my life therefore, I exist.” It is though if we did not have dramas to take care of-then what would we do? I believe that I was caught up in all that thinking for years. Not a great way to be.

I once shared with a friend of mine Simple Secret #1, “The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself and Mind Your Own Business”. She thought for a moment and asked me how she could do that in a particular situation with her brother. She was very upset by the situation that her brother was in. I explained to her what minding your own business and not rescuing someone looks like. First, listen and see if it directly involves you. Second, ask if you can do anything to help him, and then Shut Up! Be quiet and listen to what he has to say. Most of the time the person wants you to do nothing but listen. She looked at me with a slight grin and exclaimed, “But that would be so boring!” We both laughed. I continued to explain to her that in the beginning you might feel that way. However, in the end, your life can be a lot more exciting when you are out of everyone else’s drama. You are free to explore your own thrilling adventures when you are not tied down to someone else’s stuff!!

I do not believe that you have to hit rock bottom to know that you need to learn to respond differently to your family’s dramas. I hope you see that you must learn to let go of these draining dramas that have held you back from really having the wonderful life you deserve. Have you ever noticed that dreams and dramas have all the same letters but one? Just remove the last “a” in drama and add the letter “e” in front of the first “a” and you have your dream. Just a simple shift like that in your life can make all the difference in your world.

Dramas are only obstacles to being happy and realizing your dreams. How many times have you said, “I will be happy when…..” Or “I will be happy when he stops drinking and gets a job.” Or “I will be happy when my daughter finally passes that math class”? There are many excuses like that which stop us from being happy NOW. I am sure you have heard and know them all. Those are the family dramas that hinder many of us. Delay your happiness no more. Decide today to “kick the drama addiction”. You are just a decision away from your dreams.

Every family has an entertaining “drama” queen or king that loves to rule. So, you might feel that it may be hard to shift yourself out of being in their dramas. Now, for the good news. I have shown you that you have a choice to do something else. You have this book on this blog and you can do something different and achieve better results. Life will become a lot easier. If you are minding your own business, you cannot be sucked into any family drama. If you are controlling nothing but how you respond to the drama, you cannot be dragged into it. If you are supporting that family member and not rescuing them, you cannot be drained by the situation. If you love yourself and are receiving all the good the universe has for you then, those dramas cannot take hold of you. In the end, you will have the energy to accept the drama conditions and move on. Wow, what would happen then? Maybe you would finally have room to step-back and watch your delightful dreams come true. By stepping back and doing that for you, you are allowing that loved one to step forward and maybe get closer to their dreams, too. It is amazing how that works.

After months of staying out of your family’s dramas, you may find yourself being pulled into a drama or two and they are getting in the way of your joy. Then, I suggest you step-back and ask yourself these questions to get yourself back on track, making room for your delightful dreams.

JOY SECRET 6 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Have I had enough drama, yet?
2. Is my happiness dependant upon someone else?
3. What if I had no problems/dramas in my life right now, what would I be doing and how would I feel?
4. Whose business is it anyway?

At some level, we want our family to be happy. Most of us have had that dream at one time or another. When I got married, that was my dream a happily-ever-after one. For many years, the dramas of my life detoured me from realizing that dream. Please don’t let your family’s dramas do the same to you. Now, do you dare to imagine something different–a joyful life for you and your family? If that is hard to imagine at this time, then the next Simple Secret will wake you up to the endless possibilities.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Love received and love given comprise the best form of therapy.
–Gordon William Allpor

In those dark years of trying to fix and control everyone and not minding my own business, all I felt I did was give, give, and give. I was physically and emotionally drained. I was unhealthy, over-giving, and under-receiving and it showed in all areas of my life. When I started my journey of self-discovery, I attended many seminars and read several books that insisted that one must give AND receive to have a happy, balanced life. However, I was not open to hear that message. I once took a 10-day personal growth seminar that spent one whole day on just “receiving”. And I still did not get it. Two years later I finally got it.

A few weeks after winning the massage, I booked my appointment. My friend, the massage therapist, even came to my home. She had an amazing and loving angelic touch. Half way through the massage, something happened. I stopped rejecting the massage. I finally started to understand what it felt like to “receive”. I could not remember the last time I had allowed myself to feel this way. I started to melt and relax. It was life changing for me. As I lay there really enjoying myself, it came to me. So this is what that seminar’s “receiving” day was all about. WOW! Then I began to laugh and laugh uncontrollably. Since that enlightening day, I have had many types of massages. Now I get a massage whenever I can. I lay there and open myself up to receive the healing which allows me to give myself love. Yes, it is all connected.

All our lives we hear that it is better to give than to receive. Giving is a wonderful thing. However, if the whole world gave and no one received, people would stop giving because the gift would not be received. Thus, the giver would feel the rejection instead of feeling the receiving. Believe me, the giver would stop giving in no time at all.

You may have run across the martyr-type person who grudgingly gives and complains, “I give and I give and I get nothing in return”. I have two questions for the martyr-type person - “Have you been rejecting gifts and love given you?” And, in return, “Have your loved ones finally stopped giving to you?”

This a trap that mothers or women in general get into. Most men don’t get caught in this trap. Receiving seems easy for men. This idea can go as far back as the beginning of civilization. Women have been in the role of giving service and doing without so that the family survives. Along the way we started to feel undeserving to receive anything. On the flip side of this, man provided the food and shelter and in return received or took what he wanted. If you have to blame anyone for this pattern of not receiving for women, blame our over-giving and under-receiving prehistoric female ancestors.

If you did not have a role model growing up who opened themselves up to receive all the good that came their way, then you might not know that receiving is as big as giving! By the way, this can also be a man’s issue. I have met many men who have trouble receiving also.

How do you know if you are an under-receiver or not? Ask yourself these questions.

If you have answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, then you need to learn to receive as well as give.

Like our breathing, energy flows in and flows out of our bodies? If all you did was exhale, could you survive? It doesn’t take a world-class medical researcher to tell you the answer would be NO. You see, one must inhale also and fill up those lungs so they can easily and effortlessly exhale, thus feeding every part of one’s body with the critical oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide in order to function healthily.

As with breathing, our energy must flow in and out, too. We must have an energy exchange of giving and receiving to have a healthy, happy and balanced relationship with ourselves and our loved ones. It is imperative that you understand this concept. Understanding and practicing receiving is that one step in having a joy for you and your family you cannot ignore. Without being a good receiver, I will guarantee that your life will stay stuck in a place I do not think you want to be. I know this from personal experience. No one wins when you do not give AND receive. Remember, as with breathing –one cannot exhale(give) with inhaling(receiving) first. If you wish to be happy and have happy loved ones, then you must have that receiving and giving thing in balance. Always remember-Simple Secret #5- Receiving is as big as giving.

Here are a few things you can do to become a better receiver to regain balance and joy in your life.

Step One: First, you must choose to become a better receiver. You have to make a conscious choice. Then, you must practice staying open to receive. With amazing results, my mantra for the past 5 years has been “I am open to receive all the good God has for me.” You can even do this with a prayer everyday if you wish. Remember, you always have choice.

Step Two: Practice accepting gifts and compliments by saying “thank you” and taking a moment to open up your heart and receive them. Stop yourself when you become aware that you are rejecting gifts or compliments. Just doing this simple gesture can change your life forever. Do your best and do all of this without judgment. This may take you awhile before you are in the habit of receiving, as rejecting has become a habit for many of us. I have been working on this for years. The experts say that it takes 90 days of doing something different to break that negative habit and replace it with another positive response.

Step Three: Start to notice how the people around you are responding to your receiving. Are they getting joy from giving to you? Are they willing to do more for you? You may be teaching them to receive also. Here everyone wins.

Step Four: Let people do little things for you like make dinner, help clean up the house, or bring you dinner if you have to work late. Always thank them for the gestures. This helps you to receive and it gives them a chance to give. Then feel the love exchange when that happens.

Step Five: You can always do what worked for me. Go have a relaxing, receiving massage just for you. Again, leave all the undeserving guilt at the door. Stay open and enjoy receiving it.

Learning to receive is a wonderful aid in accomplishing Simple Secret #4 - Love Yourself And The Rest Will Follow. Practicing receiving on a regular basis will assist you in filling up your love cup. A person who is filled up shines so bright and those around then enjoy their light too. Just think that if you are managing yourself and receiving all the good there is for you, what are you teaching your loved ones? You are teaching them to breathe “in-receive” and “out- give” and to be healthy and happy. What a powerful lesson for you and them. What an amazing role model you can become.

Now, ask yourself these STEP-BACK questions. This will get you back on the track of receiving as well as giving once you find yourself off track. Let these questions help you to create balance in that area of your life.

Joy Secret #5 Step-Back Questions:

1. When was the last time I let someone help me with anything?
2. Have I opened up my heart to receive today?
3. When was the last time I really received a compliment or praise?
4. Has over-giving and under-receiving given me joy today?

Acknowledge your gains with this Simple Secret #5 by writing in a journal, if that suits you.

Coming soon– the last and 7th Simple Secret to your Family’s Joy. I hope you have enjoyed the journey so far.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

Continued from Part 1

Imagine for a moment that you have let go of wanting to control your loved one’s. You are managing yourself. You are now loving yourself and you are lovingly supporting them. What kind of pebble have you dropped in your family’s pond? Close your eyes for a moment and visualize what your life and family would be like when you drop that “loving yourself” pebble in their pond. Do you feel your heart open up as you visualized the effects of that “loving yourself” pebble? How were your loved ones responding to that pebble? I bet they are laughing and enjoying life. What a wonderful gift your “loving yourself” pebble gave to your family? Remember, if you can visualize or dream it, you can achieve it! I will go more into that in Simple Secret 7.

Many of you may be having trouble imagining this loving scenario. Maybe you are struggling with the “Loving Yourself First” part. There are various reasons for this struggle. One of them that might be stopping you is a forgiveness issue. You may not be forgiving yourself or someone else. A wise friend once shared with me this statement about forgiveness. “When we do not forgive someone, it is like we are drinking the poison expecting the other person to die.” Not forgiving is toxic to your soul.

Take a moment to think of someone you have not forgiven. Now, how do you feel thinking about them? Is your heart heavy? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Yes, those are the same feelings you encounter when you are being poisoned. Strange, but true. Free yourself by forgiving yourself and others. Forgiving is a sure fire way of filling up your own love cup.

Now, family members seem to be the hardest to forgive. I guess we expect more from them and we are easily disappointed by their actions. We seem to have so many reasons not to forgive them. We may be right not to forgive that family member, but we usually are not happy about it. To many people it is about being right and they take that “rightness” to their graves. Yet, they have been very unhappy people. I do not know about you, but that is not the way I want to live my life.

I had a few issues with a family member. I felt this person had not treated me right and was not there for me when I really needed their support. I held on to the grudge of that injustice for years. I had to be right and in not forgiving them for years, I wondered why my relationship with that person was strained? One day I decided I wanted a better relationship with this family member, so I forgave that person. At last I was free to have the relationship I wanted. I let go of the grudge. I now enjoy my time with this person The rift is gone. I like who I am around this person and before I did not. Yet¸ I no longer have the urge to be right all the time. Being happy is a better fit for me.

I cannot talk about “loving yourself first and the rest will follow” without teaching you the “attitude of gratitude” game. Being grateful for what you have is one of the fastest ways to fill that love cup up. This is how the game is played. Get a pad and pencil. The first time you play, find a quiet place where you can focus on the game. Look around you and see what you have in your life and have gratitude for what you have. Do this by making a list of all the things you are grateful for. For example, the list can look something like this:

1. I am grateful for my job.
2. I am grateful for my children.
3. I am grateful for the food I eat everyday.
4. I am grateful for my loving spouse.

The list can go on for pages once you get on a roll.

Why does this fill up your love cup? Because, in order to play the game you have to be in the present moment. You get to be where your feet are, which is a beautiful and loving place to be. You cannot be in the past or future because you are not going to play with what you had or what you will get later. It is about what you have in your life today. It is the best present you can give yourself. It also helps us to acknowledge the good decisions we have made in our lives. Acknowledging what we have validates our choices. This also empowers us and makes us self-confident to make good decisions in the future. Being empowered and self-confident always fills your love cup.

I have had many students and friends play this game with amazing results. Most of them make the gratitude lists before they go to bed. Going to sleep on a positive note seems to set them up to have joyful day the next day. Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself and let me know your results.

If you have a day that you struggle to love yourself for any reason, go back to the first three Simple Secrets, play the gratitude game, or you can STEP BACK and answer these questions to help you fill up your love cup. The last thing to remember, love doesn’t cost a penny and everyone deserves LOVE even YOU.

Joy Secret 4 Step-Back Questions:

1.When was the last time I told myself “I am Enough?”
2.When was the last time I said “No”?
3.Who do I need to forgive to be happy again?
3.When was the last time I gave thanks for what I have in my life right now?

Please journal these results of using this Simple Secret 4 along with the other three Simple Secrets. I hope you are starting to enjoy this empowering process.

When one is stranger to oneself
Then one is estranged from others.
If one is out of touch with oneself
Then one cannot touch others
Anne Morrow Lindberg

As I incorporated the last three Simple Secrets into my life, surprisingly I discovered that I was becoming more loving and accepting of myself. I was no longer unhappy with my life and family. I was managing myself, I was responding differently to my environment, and I was not wasting energy trying to “fix” everyone around me. Finally, I had the time and energy to love and accept myself. I was no longer looking outside myself for my joy. I was responsible for it.

With these realizations, I became free to be me and, in return, I accepted that my family members were also free to be whoever they wanted to be. I soon believed that I was Okay. In fact, I was better than Okay. I began to like me. I laughed more and started to really enjoy my life again. I became very grateful for everything I had. It also became easier for me to forgive my family members and myself. Everyone benefited. There was energy to try new things. It was such an empowering feeling. All of this opened up a whole new world for me.

As you can see it is really important that you love yourself first. The first three Simple Secrets can support you in achieving that loving feeling.
In the dark years when I was managing everyone but myself, and wanting to control my family members by rescuing them, I was so outwardly focused. I had checked out of my life and lost sight of myself. I had emotionally closed down. I was unaware that my love cup was empty because there was no one home to fill it. I finally came to the realization that I could not give what I did not have.

When I first started managing myself by staying out of everyone else’s business, I became aware that my love cup was quite empty. No wonder I felt drained and shut down. As I walked down that road of self–discovery, I began to understand that we all are born with an inherent ability to fill ourselves up with love. However, somewhere in my early years I stopped. I began expecting others to do it for me. Then, with this awareness, I began to search out things that gave me self-confidence and helped me to grow.

It did not happen over night. I had to first learn about myself. I learned how to meditate and be still and feel my feelings. I joined organizations like Toastmasters International which had positive people and missions, I took classes that I had always wanted to attend, and I volunteered with the Red Cross, just to name a few. I also began to say “No” to things I did not want to do. Not an easy task for many of us “supporter-type” personalities. Everything I did gave me more energy, which took me a step closer to filling up my love cup. I began to see my world through a different set of glasses. At last, I was finally on track to being myself and loving me again.

Many of my clients and students have asked me why we have a hard time loving ourselves? Through my experience with others and myself, I have come to this conclusion. We get caught up in the illusion that we are “not enough”. This illusion drives us to want to control others, fix others and manage anyone but ourselves. Where did we get this illusion or program about ourselves? For most of us, it starts with our family members, then classmates and other peers telling us we are “not enough” with their critical actions and words. By the time we are about 10 years old, we have been told a million times by the world that we are “not enough”. At that time, it has become so hardwired into our thought process that we are not whole. Something is missing in us.

We believe that we are not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, happy enough, thin enough, fat enough, tall enough, and do not do this or that right. Some of you have been abused by your so-called loved ones and you have physically felt you are “not enough”. As you can see, there is a variety of ways to feel as though you are “not enough”. Luckily, you can change those thoughts and love yourself by using these Simple Secrets.

Loving yourself can support you in believing that you are “always enough” which is the truth. We all are whole, perfect, and complete. Everything else is a lie created mostly out of fear of not being enough. If you remember only one thing from this Simple Secret it is that “You Are Always Enough!”

Here is a good reason to let that “not enough” illusion go. Have you ever heard of the ripple effect? When a pebble is dropped in the middle of a pond, the water ripples out to the shore all around the lake. This one action affects the entire pond. That ripple effect also happens in a family. One person’s actions and mood affects the whole family.

Stop for a moment and think of a time when a family member came home in a bad mood. Maybe they have had a bad day at work. They could be feeling upset because their boss had criticized their work performance. The boss dropped the first pebble with his critical words. The family member reacted by feeling “not enough”. Maybe their ego was bruised. They carry that upset, bruised feeling all day sharing it with their co-workers causing everyone to feel uneasy. Then the family member arrives home. The ripple continues. They come in and slam the door and throw their keys across the kitchen table. They’ve brought that toxic energy home with them. Now, that member has dropped a negative pebble in his family’s pond. As that person encounters the other family members, this upsetting “not enough” ripple is quickly dispersed throughout the family. Every family member is negatively affected, even the ones who might have been feeling great and enough before that individual got home. Now, the rest of the family is feeling crappy and “not enough” too. By suppertime, everyone is grumpy and the conversation at dinner is not positive at all. I am sure everyone can relate to this type of scenario at one time or another. Not a whole lot of love and happiness energy there.

Let’s look at this in a loving way. When I became more loving of myself, I dropped a positive pebble in my family’s pond. I soon started to witness for myself a lot more loving towards all the family members. My positive feelings were positively affecting everyone around me. We all seemed to laugh more and enjoy each other’s company. In conclusion, if I wanted everyone else to be loving, I had to be that way first with myself and then with others. My cup runneth over! Now I can give what I have. An endless supply of LOVE.

When we feel “enough”, we can easily step back to allow our loved ones to feel “enough” and loved. It is just as easy to tell our loved ones what they are doing right (enough) as it is to tell them what they are doing wrong (not enough). What would you like your loved ones to share with you? We can learn a lot from Thumper in the movie, Bambi. When he was scolded by his mother for making fun of Bambi, his mother said to him “What did your father always say?” He hung his head low and muttered, “If you can not say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Thumper must have had a wise and loving father.

There may be times when you must say something to your loved ones to point out that what they are doing is directly affecting you and others in your family. I have learned a wonderful method of addressing those issues with my loved ones. I learned this trick in Toastmasters. We have evaluators that lovingly give immediate feed back to our speakers so that they can know what worked in their speech and what needs to be improved on to be a better communicator. The method we use is called the “Oreo Method” of evaluation of the speaker.

The evaluator starts off giving what he/she liked about the speech or speaker, then states what he/she feels they could improve on, and then ends the evaluation with what worked again, which leaves them on a positive note. We do this in 2 to 3 minutes. It is short and sweet. This way the speaker can stay open to receive the message. It works beautifully. The speaker then stays open which allows him/her to get closer to their goal of becoming a better communicator. When one is approached from a place of love – it is received with love.

Part 2 of Simple Secret #4 to follow.

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

To love means not to impose your own powers on your fellow man but offer him your help. And if he refuses it, be proud that he can do it on his own strength.
–Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I once ask my minister friend, Wes McPherson, what the difference was between supporting and rescuing someone? He answered, “If you see them broken and help out, you are rescuing them. If you see them whole, perfect, complete, capable and help them, you are supporting them.” It was at that moment when I realized that while I wanted to change my daughter’s unhappiness, I was seeing her broken and she was unable to find her own happiness. Although, rescuing was keeping me in a job that I did not want anymore. From that moment on I worked on seeing my daughter and others whole, perfect, complete and capable. Then, it was easy to support them if they wanted support. This takes us to Simple Secret 3 – Support Your Loved Ones, Do Not Rescue Them.

As you can see this is a simple secret. To many of us it can be a hard one to understand and practice. When I have been in the “fixer” rescue mode with a loved one or friend, I am coming from fear and the result is that no one wins. It has been my experience with my daughter and others that when I support them, I am acting from a place of love and acceptance. The result then is joy for them and for myself.

If you go back and review Simple Secret 1 - The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself and Simple Secret 2 - You Control Nothing But How You Respond to a Situation, you can see why rescuing does not work. In rescuing you are not minding your own business and you are trying to control someone else’s life. Your fixing makes you right and them wrong. That is a recipe for disaster. This comes from someone who has tried to “fix” my loved ones at one time or another. I never succeeded at making anyone happy or fixing the problems. In fact, I believe my fixing created bigger problems in the end. I then had to see that I was a big part of the problem.

I can now look back and see what kind of relationship my daughter and I had during those dark years. She had the problems and I was the fixer. The result was that she stayed broken so that I could fix her. This was dysfunctional and unproductive. I was making my daughter a victim while thinking I was helping her to be happy. Instead, I created a depressed unhappy child, the complete opposite of my intentions.

When I call someone like my daughter a “victim”, I mean someone who believes that their happiness is controlled by outside forces. They continually look outside of themselves for answers and do not take personal responsibility for their problems or their joy. When we feel that it is our job to control them with our rescue efforts, we feed their victim responses to their world. The fixer and the victim both become victims to this dysfunctional process.

As I said in Secret 1 – during those early years while I was trying to fix my daughter’s problems, I danced the “Crazy Chicken Dance “. The results were that I was exhausted and started having health issues. My daughter stayed “broken” and became depressed. Oh yeah, that was working!

After my talk with my friend, Wes, I asked myself, “Do I want my family to be made up of victims or responsible people?” Since victims have to be cared for and are very draining and responsible people manage themselves and are empowered, I felt it was time for me to stop being the fixer. I wanted to be fired from that “fixer” position. When I finally learned the calm “ Phoenix Bird Waltz”, I opted to support my daughter instead of rescuing her.

Sometimes a loved one does not even ask for us to fix a problem. We just volunteer our advice – like the great fixers we believe we are. No one appreciates someone butting into their business if they have not been invited. It only causes resistance and heartache. If you recognize that you do that with your loved ones, then go back to Secret 1- The Only Job You Have Is To Manage Yourself. Stay out of their business and concentrate on your own.

When we support our loved ones, we feel empowered and not drained. Your love one feels empowered and not wrong. When one becomes empowered, then one can envision a positive future and release the negative of the past.
I found that it was not easy to let go of the rescuing mentality. However, with awareness and a little work, it was possible to shift that rescuing mentality to a supportive one.

Here is the process I used to let go of my rescuing mentality with my daughter and others.

Step 1 - I listened to their story about their problem.
Step 2 - I asked myself “Whose problem is it? Am I directly affected by this problem?”
Step 3 - If I feel it is their problem, I respond with this question – “What do you plan to do about that situation?”
Then, I shut up and listen.
Step 4 – After listening, I ask one more question. “Is there anything I can do to help?” And again, I shut up and listen.

When I ask them, “Is there anything I can do to help?” their usual response to that inquiry is “NO, but thanks for asking”. You see I showed I cared by listening. Most people know how to solve their own problems. They sometimes just want a sounding board.

It can be really hard to just shut up and listen when you may have been the self-proclaimed “fixer of all that you feel is broken”. You do have a choice to respond differently. It really is up to you. This process works like a charm. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the person with the problem usually just wants to vent and wants someone to listen to them. They do not want you to solve the problem.

When we step back from trying to fix people and stay out of their business, they usually step up and take care of themselves. This action creates a more confident and responsible individual. It is a win/win situation for all concerned.

When you feel the need to “fix” or rescue a love one, please STEP BACK and ask yourself these simple questions. They will help you to let go of that rescuing mentality and embrace the concept of supporting your love ones instead.

JOY SECRET #3 STEP BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Are you seeing your loved one broken or are they whole, perfect, and complete?
2. Do you want your loved one to be a victim or a responsible person?
3. Has your loved one asked you for help or are you volunteering your wisdom?
4. Have you been a good listener?

Again, as I have suggested at the end of each Simple Secret, try this for 30 days and journal the results. Please refer back to the other secrets to also help you with releasing the “fixer” mentality. Be kind and patient with yourself. If you have been doing this victim dance with your family member for years, it may be hard to stop. Be aware of your thoughts and actions. That will aid you in learning to support.

Copyright Vicki Kallman 2007

Continued from Part 1

I am sure that you have heard – “what you resist persists”.  From my personal experiences, that statement is completely true. Think for a moment about that one person who is always “wanting to control” you with their advice.  It could be your mother, sister, or husband.  When this happens, how do you feel?  Do you feel forced or wrong?  Or do you say to yourself “Forget that! I will not do it your way and you have not changed my mind?”  In fact, you might say to yourself “I was about to do it your way and now I won’t.  I will keep doing it my way!!” Then the problem persists. 
 
When we are not in the controlling mode, we step back so that the child or individual can step forward.  You are allowing them a chance to respond differently and giving them courage to make better choices.  Letting go of the control gave you what you wanted and you had to do nothing but step back and give control to that person. The growth will then come for both of you.  
 
We need to allow others to be who they are and thus, we allow ourselves to be who we are. We all get a wonderful gift. We can then retire the “crazy chicken dance outfit” and wear the calm and powerful robe of acceptance.
 
Let me give you a couple of examples as to how this can work.  When my oldest son was about 15 years old, the family was going to take a trip to the mountains for the day.  It was a family trip, so my husband and I wanted him to come.  He insisted that he wanted to stay home.  Instead of arguing with him and telling him that he had to go, we said, “OK, but you cannot go anywhere or have any friends over”.  He agreed.  We then loaded the van with a picnic lunch and all piled in except for him. When we started to pull out of the garage, he ran out of the house and announced that he wanted to go.  So, the whole family went and had a wonderful time.  It was really that easy.
 
Then, my youngest son, who is quite intelligent and an overall good kid, use to drive my crazy with his procrastination. While in school, he always procrastinated starting any kind of term paper or project until the last moment.  No matter how many times I recommend he start earlier on a project, he still did it last minute and was up all night to have the project done for the next day.  Being the good mom, I would help him with the project to make sure he got it done on time.  I was stressed and lost sleep too.  Then, I decided that if he wanted to wait to do the project at the last minute, it was not my problem.  I decided to hold him responsible for his own outcome.  So, when he was a junior in high school and a big project was due, I let him handle it all by himself.  He was a bit shocked that I did not get involved or stress over it.  He was up all night and I slept. 
 
The next day I made him attend all of his classes.  He chose to procrastinate and I felt great because I had had some sleep.  When he got home from school that day he did share with me that maybe he should start his projects earlier.  Even though he had good intentions to that, he did not change this pattern throughout high school or college.  He still got good grades and an excellent education.  He continued to procrastinate, but I stepped back.  I learned that crazy last-minute stuff worked for him and it was never going to look the way I wanted it to.  I could not change him and I became OK with it.  My life had less stress because of my choice.  It really was not my business. I was managing myself and it felt good. Until this behavior stops working for him, he will probably continue doing it.  That is his life lesson.  My lesson was to let go of wanting to control his behavior and manage myself.
 
I have given my clients this advice over and over again. When they heed it, the results are amazing.  I get that excited call saying you won’t believe it but it works.  They share their success stories with me. We have a good laugh.  Responding instead of reacting takes less energy with better results. Let go of the control and put joy and happiness back into your life.  Everyone benefits.  Remember, your response can start an amazingly peaceful ripple in your family’s pond.  Isn’t that what you really want anyway?
 
When you feel the urge to control someone or something other than yourself, please STEP BACK and ask yourself these simple questions. They will help you to choose to respond differently to your loved ones.
 
JOY SECRET 2 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:
1.     Would I rather be right than happy?
2.     What has being right done me so far?
3.     Can I let go of wanting to change or control this person or situation?
4.     Would I rather want change or have it?
 
Again, as I suggest at the end of these chapters that you try this for 30 days and journal what worked and what did not work for you. Whatever you do, do not tell your family.  They must want to read this blog for themselves.  You are then not managing yourself and you are wanting to change them. Resistance will be all you get!! 
 
Put these ideas into practice. They will see the difference in you might ask you what you are doing differently.  Then share the information and website.  Leave it up to them to surf the web for my website and blog, empower them.  This way everyone stays happy.  As you can see it is so simple just not easy! Be patient!

Copyright Vicki Kallman 2007

Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others,
But by accepting them as they are.
True acceptance is always without demands and expectations
Gerald G. Jampolsky
From “Love Is Letting Go of Fear

 
A few years ago, on a crisp, autumn morning, I set out to take my old dog, Cinnamon, on her daily walk. As we strolled along, I had put my headset on to listen to “the Sedona Method” on tape. About a minute into our walk, I heard the narrator say, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” That statement stopped me in my tracks. First, I got mad. Then, I wanted to argue with the man on the tapes. My mind was spinning. Like something large hitting me up the side of the head bringing me to my senses, I finally started to understand what he was talking about. I continued listening to the tapes. By the end of the walk, I felt an overall sense of freedom and relief because I realized that it was not my job to control my daughter’s happiness, only to control my own. I now knew that I had a choice. Before that moment, I felt that I had none.

I then looked back over the last 8 years and started to laugh and laugh. I just then realized that a lot of the suffering I had experienced with my daughter had come from wanting to control her happiness and her life. Through that entire struggle, we were both no closer to happiness than when I started.  

Take a moment and repeat the second Simple Secret to yourself, “You control nothing but how you respond to a situation.” Pay attention to your reaction to this statement. Do not judge it. Just take note of it.

To help everyone grasp this statement, I would like to ask you these questions:

Wanting to change someone is the same as wanting to CONTROL him or her.  We usually want to control people to be right. However that is not the only reason. I believe the most prevalent reason however is fear. We fear they will get hurt if we do not stop their menacing behavior. We fear that they will fail. We fear that if they fail, our friends and neighbors will judge us as bad parents. We sometimes do it for the approval of others and ourselves. We fear that they will miss out having an experience that we feel they must have. The list goes on and on. What is your reason for wanting to control others?
 
I have many people in my life who play the part of the Controller.  They know what is right for everyone around them but themselves.  You know the type - “Control Freaks”.  If you are one of those people, please do not stop reading this blog.   Stay open the best you can through this secret and see if any of this makes sense to you.  Even if you have not been called a “Control Freak”, we all seem to be “wanting to control or change” something or someone at one time or another.  Maybe not to the same degree as the real control freaks but, still we play the “wanting to control” game especially with our family members.  We think we know what is right for them.  So, this Simple Secret applies to all of us.
 
It is just human nature to want to change and fix things that we feel are broken.  And, of course, everyone around us is broken sometimes – right?  See how easy it is to get wrapped up in the “wanting to change” dance?  That is one reason we have the “Crazy Chicken Dance” in our lives.
 
In this Simple Secret I have mentioned “wanting”.  Let me explain what I mean by this.  Would you “want “ someone to change or would you rather “have “ him or her change?  I don’t know about you, but I would rather “have” the change.  When we are in a state of wanting, we are in the emotion of “lust”.  My definition of lust is wanting something but feeling that we cannot have it.  This is not very productive.  It is putting a lot of energy on something and not producing anything but chaos.  It is the “wanting” that we get wrapped up in when we attempt to change or control someone or the situation.  When we are in “wanting”, it feels like a tornado spinning and it causes destruction in its path. 
 
When we choose to do something other than the “Crazy Chicken”, we are in a constructive energy flow.  We can only control how we respond to a situation or person.  We then have choice when are we responding and not reacting.  When you are reacting, your subconscious is running the show. When you are responding, you are making a conscious effort to choose differently.  Let me tell you what a gift it is to yourself to let go of wanting to change the other person and to accept them as they are.
 
Whenever I find myself wanting to change or control any one of my family members, I say to myself, “Can I let go of wanting to change or control that person”?  I answer Yes or No.  I do not discuss the answer with myself.  I answer just Yes or No.  Then, like a stressed-out bubble, the feeling of wanting to control or change that person just pops.  I then feel calm and much more at peace.  I will have to be honest, sometimes I repeat the phrase 5 or 6 times before that calmer and peaceful feeling shows up. 
 
Many of you may say to yourselves “How do I know if I am “wanting to control” someone”?  Wanting to control something feels like being pushy and hard.  And, no matter when you are attempting to control someone, you feel like they are pushing back.  They are in resistance to your forcing an idea on them. 
 
Can you see how your family and friends can benefit from you not pushing your “rightness” on them by trying to control them?  When you are forcing your rightness or control on others, they have to be wrong.  Who wants to feel wrong all the time?
 
You can even ask yourself that same question about yourself “Can I let go of wanting to change me”?  Remember, answer Yes or No.  When you can truly answer Yes to this question, you can then feel the peace that comes with only managing yourself.   
 
I can hear some of you now, “But they are not doing it right.  They are not making the right decisions”.  The only thing I can say to you is this, if you continue to be right, nobody will be HAPPY!!!!  You are continuing the “Chicken Dance” with the tornado going on inside of you and around your family.  You can choose to be right or to be happy!!  Again you control nothing except how you respond to any situation or person!
 
We do not have the right to stop our children and family members from experiencing their life’s lessons. Could your parents or friends really have stopped you from experiencing what you needed to learn? You needed the experiences to mature into the person you are today.  Controlling them stops them and stunts their emotional growth.  Allow them the chance to be who they are, too.
 
Let’s pretend for a moment that you have let go of wanting to change that person.  You may wonder what will happen to them because you are not controlling them.  First, if you are at peace with that person, you will let them be.  This gives them the freedom to respond to their world differently.  They start to make decisions for themselves.  The decisions that they make may or may not have the outcome that they want.  However, they need to have their wins and losses to know what will work and what will not.  They might fall down a few times, but they will learn how to walk (make decisions) on their own.  They will have their own failures and triumphs.  And, in the end, they will know how to take care of themselves.  It is a miracle!!  I have seen this many times with my family.  When everybody is minding their own business, they all become much happier!!
 
Here is another bit of advise given to me by Hale Dwoskin of Sedona Training Associates, which helped me understand and accept this Secret when I went through his “Happiness Is Free Course” in Los Angeles.  “People are going to do what they are going to do and they won’t do what they won’t do.”  YIKES!!  When I understood this, I was able to let go of wanting to change the people around me.  Again, it was a miracle.  My life became so easy.  No matter what kind of wanting to change someone I did, they did not change just because I wanted them to.
 
As with myself, your changes come from within and not from an outside source.  When we are wanting to change or control, we are “forcing” our rightness or good intentions on others.  When we are letting go of the wanting to change them, we feel empowered and so do they.  An empowered person can stop resisting the change and has power to see better choices to make.  Does this make sense to you?  Again, you do not have to believe what I say.  Try it for yourself and see if you discover your happiness.  It may not happen over night.  However, you will benefit from starting this right away.  It has worked for me every time. What to you have to lose? What do you have to gain? Think about it.  In return, your loved ones can experience their happiness if they so choose.

Part 2 of Simple Secret 2 to follow.

copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman 

Continued from Part 1

I can only describe myself during those dark, dense, unhappy years. I was doing the “Crazy Chicken Dance” as though I was running around with my head cut off. I went in many directions at the same time. If you have ever seen a chicken right after they have had their heads chopped off, it is not a pretty sight. My grandparents lived on a farm and raised chickens. Once, when I was around 7 years old, I witnessed that sickening sight first hand. After the chicken’s heads were gone, they would run around in circles as fast as they could. Like the chicken with no head, I ran around in the dark full of worry and despair. I was exerting a lot of energy and getting nowhere fast. I can honestly say that my family was following that crazy, unhappy chicken-dance lady through the land of unhappiness.

At times my daughter would come to me with a so-called problem and the next thing you know I would be managing her. I would try to fix her situation and would again start to feel like that crazy, stressed out, headless chicken. I would get stuck in that nasty energy and what happiness I had would fade. Luckily, as time went by, I got better at managing only myself. I did less and less of the “crazy chicken dance” and changed the dance steps into a peaceful, managing-myself “Phoenix Bird Waltz”. As long as I did not get wrapped up in her dramas and let go of being involved, I could be in my happiness.

That beautiful empowering waltz allowed me to be calm. I had changed the steps thus creating more joy in my life. In return, my daughter learned that when I was dancing that peaceful dance, I could no longer get pulled into those old, unproductive, chicken dance steps. Like magic, she seemed to be able to find her own solutions that did not involve my husband or myself. She became more responsible for her own choices and did not seem to have as many problems.

An important point to remember, when you change and begin by managing yourself, your family members may stay around and want to stand in your light, while others may choose to leave. We did experience those times with my daughter from time to time. Let me explain. Sometimes when you are feeling great and nothing can bring you down, the person with a lot of drama may not want to be around you. And other times when you are shining and feeling great, it helps them to feel that way too. Whichever way it happens, it is their choice, not yours. You are allowing them an opportunity to choose the “Peaceful Waltz” or “The Crazy Chicken”.

Managing yourself is a key part to being an effective leader. If you read any books on leadership, one of the things they teach is for you to first be a leader of yourself. If you are a parent or spouse and you are in that leadership role, it is most important to know where you’re going. If you do not know where you want to go, then how can you expect anyone to follow you? Or, if they are following you, where are you leading them?

I know this seems to be a bit overwhelming. Be patient. The next 6 Simple Secrets will support you in managing yourself and letting your family members manage themselves. Remember, you will be learning to manage yourself so you can be happy first and shine bright! You then can lead your family out of their own self-imposed darkness and find their own happiness and light. Doesn’t that sound wonderful and possible!!

At the end of every chapter, you will be given a set of Step-Back questions to help you with the Secret. First, ask yourself the questions and stop and listen to your answer. From there you can see that you have choice to respond or react. It is up to you. All of these questions give you choice to do something different or not.

JOY SECRET 1 STEP-BACK QUESTIONS:

1. Is this really my business/problem?
2. Whose business/problem is it?
3. Does this business/problem directly affect me?
4. Who am I managing right now?

When you feel the urge to get involved in your loved ones business/problems, please Step Back and ask yourself these questions. They will help you in getting back to managing yourself and finding your joy.

Now is the time to open your journal and do an exercise. Make a list of all the things that you are worrying about right now. When you are done, go back to each worry and ask yourself the four Step-Back questions. Once you have answered all the questions for all the worries, you will then see which things affect you directly and which do not. At this time, work on the ones that affect only you and leave the others to someone else.

Journal how you might feel when you are able to be free of those other worries. Do you feel lighter?

One more thing, please practice using these Step-Back questions for 30 days when needed. Journal the results as they come. Write what is working and what is not. Be kind to yourself. Change does not come fast. It is all a process.

In Joy,

Vicki

Copyright 2007 Vicki Kallman

If things go wrong in the world
Something is wrong with me
Therefore if I am sensible
I shall put myself right first.
C.G. Jung

What did your wise mother say to you when you were tattling on your sibling? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! We heard that time and time again when we were growing up. Now, as adults, it is time to live it and experience the joy from doing so.

Are you ready for Secret No. 1? The only job you have right now is to manage yourself! Or, in other words, mind your own business. In fact, it is the only job you have ever had. That might sound selfish, but it is not. It’s quite the opposite. This goes against everything we thought we were supposed to be as a mother, father, or loved one.

It may be a difficult concept to grasp. We were taught that it was our job to make things better and solve our loved one’s troubles. Our family’s joy depended on us and only us! We are supposed to be the mighty fixers and givers of joy. As you will soon understand, we do not control anyone’s happiness and joy but our own. And, that is a good thing for everyone involved.

When we are happy and joyful, it allows others to find their own joy. Joy is like a cold, the longer you are exposed to it the greater chance you will catch it. Someone once said, “If Mama ain’t happy, then nobody is happy.” The opposite is also true. “If Mama is happy, then everyone can be happy!” To help you understand the importance of “the only job you have is to manage yourself”, let me share with you this airline safety analogy. When we fly, and before we take off, the flight attendant gives us the flight safety briefing. Correct? The attendant instructs the passengers that, “In the event of a sudden change in the cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop at this time. Take the mask and put it on yourself securing it with the elastic strap. Pull on the mask to start the oxygen flow. And, if you are traveling with small children or someone acting like a small child, put the mask on yourself first and then help the child or child-like person with their oxygen mask!”

Imagine this scenario for a moment. If you were not paying attention to the safety briefing and the cabin pressure changes during the flight, the masks will drop. You are trying to put the mask on your child first and you are not getting any oxygen. You become frantic. The child is scared and screaming. You cannot get the mask on your child no matter how hard you try. You are gasping for air and both of you are not getting any oxygen. You both lose consciousness. What a mess! What a drama!

Now, follow “the only job you have is to manage yourself” concept. When the cabin pressure changes, you are now going to do just what the flight attendant instructed you to do. The mask drops and you first take care of yourself by securing your mask. You notice that you are no longer gasping for air. You are now breathing and much calmer. You then grab the child’s oxygen mask and can now effectively support your child with their mask. Wow, success and you both are breathing. Success and no drama! Do you see the picture? This is an example of why the first Simple Secret works. You find your air (joy) first and then you support your love ones to find their air (joy).

You noticed I did not say “easy”. I said “simple”. There is a difference. If you are not doing a great job managing yourself, how can you help others? If you are not living in your own happiness and joy, how can you support anyone else in finding theirs? It is all about leading by example.

When my daughter was suffering so much from depression, nothing I did made much difference. I am sure many of you have experienced this kind of frustration with a member of your family. My health was failing and I was so in the dark. I was just not happy. I was also trying to find happiness for my daughter and my family. Based on results, what I was doing was not working. It took me 8 years of living in that dark energy before I started to look for the light and do something different. I can now laugh at myself. I now see that I must have been slow learner or I had a lot to learn because it took so long to wake up and change my thinking.

Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result”. Yes, I was in my own insanity during those years. If it takes awhile for you to see some changes, be patient with yourself. Stay open as you take these first steps out of the darkness on your journey of self-discovery. You can stay in the dark and continue the insanity or shine bright and light up your world. Remember that you are only managing yourself and you have choices.

When I decide to do make different choices, I really did not know where to start. I read books on thinking differently and attended self-improvement courses. Step by step, I moved into the light and saw that by making different choices I could have new results. My happiness and joy had been covered up by worry, self-doubt and fear caused by being in everyone else’s business. I knew my joy was in me somewhere. I soon became more at peace, and therefore, more accepting.

My husband noticed differences in me. He started taking a few of the same courses that I had taken and also became more accepting. We were happier and much less stressed in our marriage. I then noticed that I was responding to my daughter’s actions in a positive way. The communication between us all became better and we became a stronger support for each other. This is when we all started to heal and become a much more loving family.

I believe we are here to play “The Game of Life”. Like in the board game of Monopoly, sometimes we pass go and get $200 and sometimes we don’t when we draw the “go directly to jail” card. We all must experience the consequences of our actions. We have to wait until WE draw the “get-out-of-jail” card. Nobody can draw that card for us. We are not here to have other people play our life’s game and vice versa. In other words, we are here to “mind our own business”.

Stay tuned for Part II of Simple Secret #1

In Joy,
Vicki

copyright 2007 by Vicki Kallman